TGIF: The Little Things Edition

As I begin to write this post I am not actually feeling all that happy.

I'm not UNhappy, either.

Just.....blah. Or meh.

I have SO MUCH on my mind.

I struggle a lot with knowing what is OK to feel, think, do, what won't make me look insane is "normal". I struggle with letting myself feel blechy or blah sometimes because I am typically positive, and I worry that if I give in to the negative feelings even a little, I'll give over to them completely.

It's a slippery slope, no?

Our lives are in limbo, yet life still goes on....we have to go on with it, especially because of the kids, yet it feels forced and fake. Dealing with crap like car insurance and the kids' tutoring is like WHATEVER. I care about my house only so that it's livable and presentable.

I really just want to blog, read, tweet, play my little games, knit or crochet, watch TV, take care of whatever my kids need, hang with my people...and process. I resent the logistics of life. Like so many things, it's about finding the balance. And I have faith that I will. Again.

I think for the first time EVER, I may actually be looking forward to summer vacation!

Who said that??

I do have a couple of small things that brought me happiness this week, however.

The first is this:

Mark and Camryn (AJ as sou chef), starring in their very own cooking show!

And the other is this:

I LOVE my Kindle Fire

Draw Something is so fun except super frustrating when I can't figure out what the hell someone drew and now that it's on my Kindle, it's so easy to SEE and so much easier to draw on the bigger screen.

It's the little things.

Speaking of little things, I have a box you can type an "interview" question in for my 2 year blogoversary post HERE. Ask me something GOOD!

I obviously need some HAPPIER people around here! 

So write something, grab the button -->

and link it the hell up!

(Linky open all weekend.)

Ask Me Anything!

So next Monday is my 2 year blogoversary!

Yay, blogging!

I'd love to do a Q&A with you guys for the occasion. So here I've added a form in which you can anonymously submit your question (or identify yourself if you want!).

Anything you've been dying to know about me that I haven't already disclosed? Anything you'd like me to elaborate on? Don't be shy; ask away!

Labeled

Blind/Visually Impaired

Disabled

Diabetic

Sick

Stay-at-home mom

ADD

Overweight

Impulsive

Needy

Prude

Loud

Poor

Fragile

Little

Dork

The above are all words/terms that one could use to describe me or my family. There may be more than I'm unaware of.

Some might call them labels.

I suppose they are. Because no single one can adequately represent a whole person.

I guess people need to compartmentalize things in order to make sense of them. I know I do for some things. Honestly, it probably helps keep our heads from exploding due to all the information being thrown at us from so many directions.

The thing about labels is that they can pigeonhole people. Pigeonholing leads to a lack of respect for the whole person. People don't mean to do this. It's just easier. We have to make a concerted effort not to.

Labels come from what we see on the surface. Someone who knows you well doesn't label you. But I bet they did when they first met you.

Labels can also be considered judgments. Being judged sucks. For example, the label of ADD on my daughter. Many parents fight having labels like this placed upon their kids because they fear their child will be dismissed or overlooked, or judged as a "problem child".

Yes, it's a label, but in this instance, I feel it also serves to help describe my daughter's personality. It helps us understand her better knowing she has ADD and isn't some crazy, random person. We can better understand her style of learning and make accommodations therein because she doesn't fit inside the typical kid box.

So I think labels can be double-edged swords. Judgement vs. understanding.

I have been judged labeled as a prude before. Why? Perhaps because I tend to be kind of quiet in group settings. However, I have a great sense of humor and am not a virgin....so why a prude exactly?

Lately I seem to be being labeled as fragile. I have heard more than once things like "I didn't wanna bother you" or "you have enough on your plate, you don't need me adding to it". Also, "How are you, Jen?" and "Are you sure you're OK?".

On the surface it seems nice that people are trying to be thoughtful of my feelings and stress level. It is nice. But what it also makes me feel is "handled" or "coddled". And that's frustrating. I don't want to be treated differently because of what I'm going through, and I still want the opportunity to decide for myself what I can or can't handle. One of the things I wonder about most when thinking about my life as a widow someday is, will people become awkward around me? Will the label of widow be all that people see?

Being visually impaired has never been a huge label to overcome simply because I'm not totally blind. My loved ones often forget I can't see very well and walk away from me in the middle of a dark parking lot! Strangers see that I wear thick glasses, but they have no idea they don't correct me to 20/20 unless I make it obvious, and then they still aren't sure. Being totally blind is a huge label that comes with a myriad of preconceived notions one has to hurdle.

Now, that's not to say my eyes don't cause me any issues. Oh they do, don't you worry! But they're personal anxiety, self-conscious sorts of issues. And really, the least of my worries.

My body. Not something I enjoy discussing. I've blogged about how I feel about my body only one other time. The reason is, just like Ashley Judd so eloquently expressed at The Daily Beast two weeks ago, it doesn't freaking matter. Or it shouldn't. She said, "We experience brutal criticism. The dialogue is constructed so that our bodies are a source of speculation, ridicule, and invalidation, as if they belong to others." And I say, all that matters when it comes to a person's body is how they feel about it, and perhaps how their doctor feels about it. I mean, talk about the ultimate surfacy aspect of a person and judging a book by its cover.

I am more than a SAHM. Mark is more than a sick person. Camyn is more than a kid with ADD. AJ is more than a loud little boy.

I AM a dork.

We are ALL more than any one thing. Any one label.

I would even venture to say that this is perhaps one of the biggest reasons why there are so many bloggers. So we can shout to the world how much we really are. To tell our stories without being SSHed.


This post was inspired by Ashley Judd and Just.Be.Enough's "Change the Conversation" prompt for Be Enough Me, and is being linked with Yeah Write #54.


Also, next Monday is my 2 year blogoversary! I'd love to do a Q&A with you guys for the occasion. So here I've added a form in which you can anonymously submit your question (or identify yourself if you want!). Anything you've been dying to know about me that I haven't already disclosed? Anything you'd like me to elaborate on? Don't be shy; ask away! (If I don't like your question, I just won't answer it.)

TGIF: Beat Up Your Blog Edition

Phew! It's been a busy bloggy week for me. But I love it, so it's all good.

However, because it's been busy, I am glad to welcome a guest for TGIF.

He is @TLanceB on the Twitter. His blog is titled My Blog Can Beat Up Your Blog. He is a fiction writer and a music lover. And he is here to share his HAPPY with us! It's not your typical sort of syrupy-sweet, giggly happy. He's a guy with inner demons.

* * *

In the pre-apocalyptic wasteland the Internet tends to be, when a nice person asks you to write about what makes you happy, you accept. I'm married to my best friend. She's tall, blonde, voluptuous, funny, sexy, smart and interesting. You'd think that was enough to make me happy on a consistent basis. Throw in three beautiful, talented, unique daughters aged 16, 8, and 7, and you'd wonder why in the hell am I not ridiculously happy to where I shouldn't need to write, blog, tweet, and the Facebook? Well, it's hard to explain.

My childhood was a mixed bag of okay and life altering nightmares. The only thing that got me to be good enough to be around my wife and kids, today, was music. I started early. My first memories that I can recall involve taking my parents records, yes, vinyl albums that looked like this: 

I immersed myself in music. There were times where I thought Waylon Jennings and Willie Nelson were my cool, outlaw Uncles. Stevie Nix was my babysitter in 1977 when Fleetwood Mac's Rumors album came out. My parents weren't audiophiles like me. They liked music, I loved it. During difficult times in my life, especially my rough teenage years, I dreamed of being a rock star. The guitar riffs, chord changes, and fragments of art and poetry inside a three-minute pop songs or five-minute rock and roll epic transfixed me. 


I'm one of the most internally morose people you'll ever meet. On the outside, I'm presentable. I'm like an Ace of Base happy pop song but on the inside it's a melancholy marathon of The Smiths, Bauhaus, and Jeff Buckley. Music always finds the balance. My wife will sarcastically remark, "You're in a bad mood. Go listen to one of you T. Rex or New York Dolls CDs and come back to me." A few days ago, I was trudging through a terrible morning. I decided to break away from the Sturm and drang of the office and go grab a sandwich. While in line, Sister Golden Hair by America, one of the 1970s bands my parents had a vinyl record of, began to play. For three minutes my inside and my outside met in simpatico. It was a microcosm of my life. My wife called me shortly thereafter and I guess my voice had some giddy-up. She muttered, "you must have heard a good song. Thank God for your music. I love you."

* * *

Family + music = HAPPY. "Music always finds the balance."

When I'm in a bad mood, turning on some favorite music I can sing to helps me tremendously.

Thanks so much for this, Lance!

Leave the guy some love, and check him out on his Blog, Twitter and Facebook!

Then, write some HAPPY, grab the button --> and link up!

(Linky open all weekend.)

Self-Portrait

My little boy drew this for school.

Probably something only a mother could love - and I DO!

:-)

The Ultimate Blog Party 2012 - #UBP12

I am so late to this party. It's apparently been going on for six years!

By six years I mean this is the sixth annual Ultimate Blog Party.

It's a way of "getting around" in the blogosphere. I like getting around.

Wait. That sounds wrong.

Anyway! I am supposed to introduce myself, similar to how I would at a party. Problem is, I never introduce myself at parties. I let others introduce themselves to me. I'm just kinda shy that way.

However, I am NOT all that shy here on the Internet. Here I can pick and choose who I interact with, without any of those awkward moments where neither person can find anything to say and then you come up with some excuse to walk away.

Not that I'm a snob. I'm so NOT!

Ah hell, I'm not sure this is going well at all....

OK, here goes. My name is Jennifer and I write this blog that I named after myself. Like I say on my Me & Why I Blog page, it's all the parts of me.

I am a mom of two, an 11 1/2 year old girl and a 6 year old boy. They are smart and gorgeous and crazy. They complete me.

While my blogging has gotten bigger and broader, this space was originally my place to get things out, and it still very much is. Most especially issues regarding my husband's health problems. He is a Type 1 Diabetic on dialysis with a host of complications, the worst being several things wrong with his heart. Just last month, we nearly lost him. We feel very fortunate that he pulled through, but are now increasingly mindful of the possibility. And it's hard.

BUT, I am as upbeat and positive as I can be, laugh instead of cry most of the time and am full of gratitude for my many blessings.

I host a weekly link-up on Fridays called TGIF - Get Your Happy On. I invite a guest to write a TGIF post every other week. I also co-host a monthly blog hop (first Tuesday) called Did You Know? with a great gal, Danielle at motherhood: TRUTH.

I like social media. I play on Twitter, Facebook and GetGlue mostly, but also dabble in Pinterest. I have profiles on Google+, LinkedIn and StumbleUpon too.

I am a knitter and recently took up crochet as well. My good bloggy friend @DiaperDads recently inducted me into his superhero hall of fame as The KNITTER with the power of yarn bombs! I have posted a few of my original patterns here, and would like to more, if I ever get around to it. I am currently working on a pair of legwarmers I was hoodwinked into knitting, wearing and blogging about.

I think that's about it. Thanks so much for popping in to meet me! Stay awhile, look around. Please, let me know you did!

Dinner

Every time my family sits down to dinner these days I smile.

I look around and feel blessed.

The four of us.

The simple, everyday act of enjoying a meal together.

"They" say it's important family time, the coming together at the end of the day to reconnect. But it's not that I feel all that disconnected from my husband and kids during the day.

How can I when I'm a stay-at-home mom, my son is in only half-day kindergarten and my husband's health problems are preventing him from working right now? My daughter, in 6th grade, is the one who's away from the house the most. But after school and on weekends, she's mostly home too.

So in all actuality, I have plenty reason to be darn right SICK of these people!

But not when we sit down to dinner.

Right now, I am just so happy that ALL FOUR OF US are sitting there, at our new-to-us bigger table. Me, Camryn, AJ....and Mark.

I sit down, look at the faces of the the people I love and am filled with pride, and not just a little bit of awe.

Pride in my children and awe in Mark. Pride in the special little family we are.

Because Mark is sick and has almost died. Because he fights. Because he is probably the one who prepared the meal. And because it's most likely a damn good meal. Because our family is unique.

So sitting down to dinner as a family has a little extra meaning in our house. I see it, feel it, know it.

I DO NOT take it for granted.

I DO eat it up. Pun intended. :-)

It's My Birthday!

AND this is my 400th post!

Holy blogging, Batman!

It's also Monday Listicles so I will present to you a list of 10 Things Birthday. Sound good?

Well, it's my birthday so I say what goes.

1. I was born exactly 38 years ago today, at 5:12 AM. My mother's onset of labor was marked by hurling her spaghetti dinner.

2. I was named after Jennifer O'Neill. Or so says my father. I wonder if all the other millions of Jennifers were also named for her. Something tells me no. My mother says she liked Jessica and Jennifer, but preferred the nickname Jenny over Jessie. She's never called me Jenny.

3. My astrological sign is the first on the zodiac, Aries. I have spent all of my life disagreeing with much of what is said about Aries, as relates to me. I'm told that both your sun sign and rising sign matter. According to a Free Instant Rising Sign Wizard mine is Pisces. Apparently: "This peculiar mix is more like a multiple personality disorder." Huh.

Aries Traits

Adventurous and energetic - No & No

Pioneering and courageous - Not pioneering

Enthusiastic and confident - Iffy

Dynamic and quick-witted - Not really

On the dark side...

Selfish and quick-tempered - not usually & a little

Impulsive and impatient - when I was younger

Foolhardy and daredevil - NOT EVEN

4. I spent my 16th at Disneyland, my 19th in Florida, 21st in Reno (legal, baby!), 25th in Orange County and another in San Francisco. I got engaged on my 23rd.

5. I thought my 30th was all big and important and invited all these new "friends" I had met right after moving to Washington out to lunch with me. There were 8-10 women at my table that day. I felt so special and important and liked. Eight years later, I know it's not the quantity of people, it's the quality of the people. Also, most of them were moms with young kids and probably just wanted an excuse to get out of the house!

6. My 31st was only 4 of us, but it was one of my most memorable.

My very happy friend there is Jessica!

7. I got pregnant with AJ shortly after the above photo was taken, so by the time my 32nd rolled around, I had this little cutie to cuddle:

8. I've shared my 33rd birthday photo before. My 34th didn't yield a good pic, but it was a fun night of homemade fondue and Friends on DVD. Um, my 35th...don't seem to have any pics. Probably did dinner and a movie. Oh! I got my tattoo for my 36th birthday! And last year on my 37th, we took a day trip to Leavenworth, WA.

9. As this birthday approached we met a new heart specialist, an Electrophysiologist, who diagnosed Mark's arrhythmia as Ventricular Tachycardia. This is more serious than Atrial Fibrillation and means Mark's heart could freak out and stop again at any time before he has a defibrillator implanted. I thought about cancelling plans to go to dinner an hour away from home.

10. But I didn't cancel and everything was OK (except Mark let the kids stay up really late). Here are a few pics from dinner at The Melting Pot in Seattle. It's an amazing fondue place. This dinner was from my dad for my birthday, and also to thank my besties for being so awesome while Mark was in the hospital.

Carin and Jessica - Carin brought extra lighting for me

Me and my Dad

The Flaming Turtle chocolate fondue

Dessert bits to dip

My s'mores martini - crushed graham cracker around the rim of the glass!

Tonight we're hittin' Red Robin for my free birthday burger! Hmm, which one should I get...Blue Ribbon, Banzai, Whiskey River, Guacamole?

I think I like my late 30s. Mostly. I like not being young and dumb anymore, but I could do without the aches and pains. Seriously, my lower back PITA decided to act up this weekend. Why? Just to mke me feel me age? Probably.

Well I say Pfft! to my back.

Oh, my kids let me sleep in until 11:00 yesterday morning! I don't think I've done that since I was in my early 20s. The next logical thing to do after sleeping the morning away is stay in your pajamas all day. Yup, pretty nice Sunday, I'd say.

Day, say...that rhymes!

PS: All my fave bloggy friends contributed to a special post as a gift for me over at The Sarcasm Goddess' For the Love of Writing!

For Your Pinning Pleasure

I love me some quotes.

I really love me some nice LOOKING quotes, something I've discovered only recently as a blogger, and as the phenomenon that is Pinterest has taken off.

I've made a few of my own "pretty" quotes already. And I thought I'd better make some more before our beloved Picnik disappears on the 19th.

Here are the ones I've previously included in my posts:

My Facebook page header

Here are a couple new ones:

And this is me. This is one of the best things I've ever said in a post!

So, feel free to pin away, if you like any of them!

Do you have a favorite?

TGIF: Turn Back Time Edition

I am excited and nervous and...

Wait.

First, welcome to the 30th:

OK, now that that's out of the way...

I am so excited and nervous and HAPPY that today I am being featured over at Chosen Chaos for Jamie's "If I Could Turn Back Time" series!

If I could turn back time. If I could find a way. I'd take back all the things.....

Oh. Sorry. Channeling a little Cher right there.

What is my post at Chosen Chaos about? It's a letter to my 18 year old self. Cool, right? I got to tell my younger self about the first 20 years of our adulthood, knowing what I know now.

Speaking of now, it's been literally exactly 20 years since I was 18, as it is my 38th birthday on Monday!

It's been interesting. Seriously. And I'm more than certain there is still plenty of interesting to come.

You're curious what I had to say, right? Then GO!

Go read my post at Chosen Chaos!

Then, if you have some HAPPY to share, write it (or comment), grab my button and link it up below! (Linky open all weekend.)

Dandelion

Some Wordless/Wordful Wednesday Link-ups

Coffee Jitters

Parenting by Dummies

Create with Joy

Live and Love Out Loud

By Word of Mouth Musings

Feeling Beachie
Mushroom Printing

What more will there be?

There is nothing fun about chronic illness.

Dialysis source

You adapt and manage, make the best of the situation, live life the best you can under the circumstances.

source
Have always loved this quote.

Illness causes more stress, worry and upheaval than nearly anything else. It's kind of true what they say, that if you don't have your health...

Nothing else matters as much as how the person is doing on any given day. Because if anything is off, everything can go off.

As someone who loves a chronically ill man, I am scared and worried. All. The. Time. I accept that the problems are there. Accepted that a long time ago. But I need the status quo. The everyday norm that is just dealing with Diabetes and dialysis. When more comes into play, I want to bury my head in the sand or crawl under a rock or run around screaming like Chicken Little, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"

Do I kinda look like him?

But I don't. I did go through a phase after Mark's bypass when I felt like many things were piling up and feeling really heavy. I wasn't able to separate things that came along after the experience of the bypass and what transpired after, and I would easily lose my cool over every new deviance from my norm. It snowed right before Thanksgiving so the kids had the entire week off rather than just the 4 days, and I wanted to scream. Not because they were home, but because they weren't supposed to be home. I hurt my back three and a half months after Mark's bypass, but I felt like it was just one more thing to add to the pile. And I was pissed! But enough time eventually passed that I no longer lumped it all together.

I may be doing it again, however, since Mark's arrhythmia and ICU stay last month. I feel myself keeping a running tally of the crap.

In my head: So first it was the arrhythmia and 13 day hospital stay, complete with near death experience. Then Camryn brought us a cold which gave Mark bronchitis, and then his blood sugars got difficult. Then I have to go have a physical of my own and think about stupid birth control...

Even though one thing did happen on the heels of another, they aren't related. They're separate issues.

I tell myself this, but what I really want to do is stomp my feet and curse. But that's not socially acceptable. That's what I always tell my children, isn't it? But I'm just so floored by the fact that Mark now has another issue with his heart on top of coronary artery disease! Why is this necessary?

Oh right, because he's Diabetic and on dialysis.

I really don't know if I'm coming or going, don't know which end is up, down or sideways. I've been jerked around quite a bit lately. I'm dazed and confused, and it wasn't even any fun getting that way!

And I ask myself: how much more is there still to go through? How many more crisis, hospital stays, scary phone calls in the middle of the night....fears and tears. How much does Mark have left in him? How much do I?

I wish I could know. Mark does too. He told me he thinks it would be easier to know exactly when he will die so he could say and do all the things he feels he needs to, knowing how much time he has to do it in. This is not something people normally think about.

And what about my children, my babies? Camryn is 11 1/2 and suddenly afraid of the dark again, needing to leave the bathroom or stairwell light on when going to bed. AJ is 6. Lately whenever Mark isn't home he asks, with this little worried tone, where he is. I just know he's thinking about Daddy having to go back to the hospital. These are subtle things that maybe only we as their parents would notice. But just the fact that there's something to notice...

One thing I know for sure is I'm actually pretty strong, and I'm not alone. Yet I wonder just how far that strength can carry me. Will I weather the storm with grace, or will I crack under the pressure?

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