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| Dialysis source |
You adapt and manage, make the best of the situation, live life the best you can under the circumstances.
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| source Have always loved this quote. |
Illness causes more stress, worry and upheaval than nearly anything else. It's kind of true what they say, that if you don't have your health...
Nothing else matters as much as how the person is doing on any given day. Because if anything is off, everything can go off.
As someone who loves a chronically ill man, I am scared and worried. All. The. Time. I accept that the problems are there. Accepted that a long time ago. But I need the status quo. The everyday norm that is just dealing with Diabetes and dialysis. When more comes into play, I want to bury my head in the sand or crawl under a rock or run around screaming like Chicken Little, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"
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| Do I kinda look like him? |
But I don't. I did go through a phase after Mark's bypass when I felt like many things were piling up and feeling really heavy. I wasn't able to separate things that came along after the experience of the bypass and what transpired after, and I would easily lose my cool over every new deviance from my norm. It snowed right before Thanksgiving so the kids had the entire week off rather than just the 4 days, and I wanted to scream. Not because they were home, but because they weren't supposed to be home. I hurt my back three and a half months after Mark's bypass, but I felt like it was just one more thing to add to the pile. And I was pissed! But enough time eventually passed that I no longer lumped it all together.
I may be doing it again, however, since Mark's arrhythmia and ICU stay last month. I feel myself keeping a running tally of the crap.
In my head: So first it was the arrhythmia and 13 day hospital stay, complete with near death experience. Then Camryn brought us a cold which gave Mark bronchitis, and then his blood sugars got difficult. Then I have to go have a physical of my own and think about stupid birth control...
Even though one thing did happen on the heels of another, they aren't related. They're separate issues.
I tell myself this, but what I really want to do is stomp my feet and curse. But that's not socially acceptable. That's what I always tell my children, isn't it? But I'm just so floored by the fact that Mark now has another issue with his heart on top of coronary artery disease! Why is this necessary?
Oh right, because he's Diabetic and on dialysis.
I really don't know if I'm coming or going, don't know which end is up, down or sideways. I've been jerked around quite a bit lately. I'm dazed and confused, and it wasn't even any fun getting that way!
And I ask myself: how much more is there still to go through? How many more crisis, hospital stays, scary phone calls in the middle of the night....fears and tears. How much does Mark have left in him? How much do I?
I wish I could know. Mark does too. He told me he thinks it would be easier to know exactly when he will die so he could say and do all the things he feels he needs to, knowing how much time he has to do it in. This is not something people normally think about.
And what about my children, my babies? Camryn is 11 1/2 and suddenly afraid of the dark again, needing to leave the bathroom or stairwell light on when going to bed. AJ is 6. Lately whenever Mark isn't home he asks, with this little worried tone, where he is. I just know he's thinking about Daddy having to go back to the hospital. These are subtle things that maybe only we as their parents would notice. But just the fact that there's something to notice...
One thing I know for sure is I'm actually pretty strong, and I'm not alone. Yet I wonder just how far that strength can carry me. Will I weather the storm with grace, or will I crack under the pressure?
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