Feelings

I am a massive mess of feelings. Not only feelings I currently have, but feelings I've had all my life, whether I could recognize them or not.

I hate my feelings. I resent how easily they are hurt.

Must be why I have a tendency to try to ignore them.

Just like anything you try to ignore, however, they keep coming back, pestering me like a little toddler who wants a piece of candy.

I think I need to name the feelings that continue to plague me. Flesh them out. Hoping that exposing them to the light will cause them to shrink. Take away their power over me.

I feel....

Weak.

Meek.

Alone.

Insecure.

Hindered.

Lost.

AFRAID.

Overlooked.

Raw.

VULNERABLE.

Bitter.

Unimportant.

Guilty.

Stupid.

Sorry.

I emphasize AFRAID and VULNERABLE because I have truly had some scary ass shit happen to me. Of course I'm afraid! I feel vulnerable that more scary shit is going to happen. That scary shit will always happen. And vulnerable to being left alone and sad, and hurt.

I am desperately trying to push my way through these feelings. Trying to do it all by myself because another thing I feel is like I can't talk to anyone about them. No one who I'm not paying to listen. Or it's that there are certain feelings I shouldn't talk to certain people about.

Honestly, none of MY feelings are anyone else's problem, are they?

I lean on my husband a little, but I keep thinking about how he might not be there to lean on one day, so I pull away, even from him. And I know I am going through all of this now, in preparation.

I am overwhelmed by these emotions, tears waiting for any little excuse to spring forth.

How long will it be before the floodgates that have been opened close?

I feel weak and meek, but therapy, and facing one's inner demons, is most definitely not for the faint of heart.

Trying to have patience with the process. I remind myself that I will be made stronger as I learn how to change how I perceive my feelings.

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I understand if this post doesn't make much sense to anyone. It doesn't have to, and nobody needs to feel like they should try to make it better. These are just things I feel, that influence my moods, that I struggle with.

“Love is more than simply being open to experiencing the anguish of another person's suffering. It is the willingness to live with the helpless knowing that we can do nothing to save the other from his pain." - Sheldon Kopp


Life goes on....

Linked with Pour Your Heart Out.