Why I'm Awesome

I have been known to be a bundle of insecurities. I often wonder what anyone sees in me, why they're my friend, why they stick around, if they might one day get sick of me, why they don't call or visit or like my stuff on Facebook.....blah, blah, blah.

It's real easy to read into EVERYTHING. It's honestly something I have fought with most of my life. And just when I think I've made some real headway, something triggers an "insecurity reaction". Two steps forward, one step back....

But you know what, I do see qualities in myself that are worth loving.

10 Reasons I Am Awesome

1. I am compassionate. I am able to put myself in others' shoes and see why they feel the way they do. It's why I cry over everything!

2. I am good at compromise. It's why I'm still married! Seriously though, it's kind of an essential component to most lasting relationships.

3. I have a great sense of humor. I'm not afraid of political incorrectness, sarcasm or snark. I can make fun of myself. You gotta laugh at life. It can very absurd.

4. I am loyal. Like a dog. There are very few people who I've completely written off in my life. If I did, there had to be a really good reason.

5. I notice the little things. I've come to realize it's not the grand gestures people make that touch me so much as the little, every day things that work their way into my heart.

6. I'm faithful. I believe in things that can't be seen or proven. I believe in God and angels, the powers of the universe, THE BIG PICTURE, magic and Santa Claus! I believe in the soul and the journey.

7. I am strong.....

8. ....yet also broken. My brokenness makes me authentic. As much as I resent the saying, "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger", it's the truth. Being broken lends to learning and wisdom. Also? See #1.

9. I am open minded. I do not think I'm always right, do not claim to have all the answers, will listen to any one's opinion at least once, can debate respectfully and don't think we have to hold all the same beliefs to be friends. Again, see #1.

10. I'm a good mom. I'm not perfect and never will be, but I love my children fiercely, wanted them with all my heart, want what's best for them, want them to be happy and I don't think I'm doing anything that will scar them for life and they'll turn around and blame me for. I don't think.

How I Like Me Now

Seven months ago I stumbled on something that was spreading through the blogosphere called, "What I Like About Me". And I wrote a post for it.

When I look at that post today, I think it kinda sucks. I mean, I used categories, was all matter-of-fact about it. But perhaps that's how I needed to do it - then.

I feel so much different now than I did then. In just 7 short months I feel like so much about myself has changed. The things I listed then still apply, but what I want to list now, are totally different things.

Actually, now that I think about it, I'm pretty sure I have been experiencing these changes in me since I came away from the night of Mark's bypass surgery with PTSD. That was September 21, 2010.

When @finallyMom put out a request for year-end posts about what we learned in 2011 and want to carry with us into 2012, I wrote something for her and, with encouragement from @AdotheMomalog, came up with my very own hashtag: #ShedtheCrap.

So what I like about me now is:

1. I am open to the possibilities. What possibilities? Any! Whatever might come my way.

2. I am shedding the crap I have felt my entire life. I seem to finally be getting old enough to that place in life when you stop caring so much what other people think, start feeling more comfortable with yourself, start to actually know who you really are and what makes you happy. Not saying I know and feel ALL of that right now, today. But I know I'm on my way.

3. So many of the insecurities I've had for AGES are much less of a concern now. I feel considerably more secure in my friendships, for example.

4. I have some wisdom. I have been through a lot, dammit, and I have the scars to prove it! But what I've gained as well, is wisdom.

5. I can confidently say #4 because I LEARN from my experiences. Whether positive or negative, I learn something from every little thing. From interactions in my marriage to parenting to friends & family and blogging too.

6. Speaking of confidence, I have more of it. "Jennifer" and "confident" in the same sentence wasn't something I ever used to say. Again, I think time and experience, as well as blogging, are what are helping these changes come about.

7. I love to laugh and look for the humor in everything. And you really can find it almost everywhere. Even in a hospital worrying about your husband. Even in the middle of sobbing, the tears can turn to laughter on a dime. Shit happens, and a lot of it is funny!

8. I put on my big girl panties every day. I'm not a whiner and don't feel sorry for myself. I don't say "I can't handle this". I might say I don't want to handle it, but I can. And I will. I'm too stubborn not to.

9. I've learned how to state my opinions with tact. Mostly. I think.

10. I'm pretty proud of the kind of mom I am. I am NOT perfect. Neither are my kids. But I know them and love them fiercely. Their needs come before mine, I try to teach them the lessons they need to learn and I make them take baths and brush their teeth.

11. I'm not as uptight as I used to be! I can be spontaneous, I'm not as controlling and I can let things go.

12. (Still not letting go of the even number thing though.) I'm not as shy as I once was. I can more easily talk to strangers and actually come up with interesting things to say in social situations.

Can I do a happy dance now? This took me like 3 days to write!

ALL of these are me, from the little girl squinting in the sun, to the center, most recent.
Daughter, cousin, girl, young lady, woman, wife, mother, friend.
Jennifer, Jenni, Jen, Sweetie, Mommy