Transition

Sharp pain rips apart her back, radiates through her pelvis, down her thighs.

She can’t breathe.

Oh the things I'm learning....

I gave my friend permission to say "I told you so" to me about getting therapy. She totally didn't.

A few things have come together to make me see some things differently.

On November 2nd I saw THIS blog post, in which I read:

I remind myself that the act of facing the hardest moments will be what validates me the most. Then I lean into the pain.

Read it again. That's some seriously deep shit right there.

Just under a week later, my therapist says to me, "If you lean into the emotion, you can take a moment to experience it, and then move through it."

What did you just say? That's the second time I've heard something like that in a week!

Maybe I'm supposed to listen.

And learn.

I pride myself on being someone who learns through life, recognizing that I'm on a journey.

However, I'm not always a quick learner. I am when it comes to HOW to DO something. But not necessarily life lessons.

There are so many to learn!

So far in my 38 years I've learned:

• "We are not human beings having a spiritual experience; we are spiritual beings having a human experience." Pierre Teilhard de Chardin - This I have known from birth.
• While honesty is a good thing, so is tact. And kindness. Basically, think before you speak.
• Communication and forgiveness are necessary for a good marriage.
• Everything happens for a reason, and everything will be OK.
• Children need consistency.
• My head will explode when life gets too unbalanced.

This latest one, learning to "lean into the pain", is going to be critical for me.

I don't know why, but I FIGHT with my emotions. I try to push them away. I am afraid that giving into them will leave me a puddle on the floor.

My counselor asked what's so terrible about that. He says it's not like I'll STAY a puddle on the floor. I will always get back up.

I know he's right. I know I will always get back up.

The other thing I worry about is, well, everyone else. I feel like I have to protect my loved ones. I worry that if I melt down, they won't know how to deal with that. I don't want to scare anyone away.

Or they will judge me.

What I need to work on is learning to let myself have my emotions and just BE wherever it is I am in the moment, regardless of all that other crud. Because taking that moment and moving through it, rather than pushing it away, is ultimately less consuming. And healthier.

I need to be able to admit that I'm not in a good place. But I will be again soon. And let that be OK.