How I Feel About Doing a Charity Walk

My husband is a Type 1 Diabetic (juvenile onset/insulin dependent) and has been since the age of nine (he's almost 46). He suffers from many of the complications associated with the disease, including kidney failure, for which he has been on in-center hemodialysis for the last 12 1/2 years.

And that ain't even the half of it!

Over the 20 years we've been together I've had myself quite the education on Diabetes. Heck, I even had Gestational Diabetes (very similar to Type 2) in both of my pregnancies.

But I've also built up a bit of a hard heart and even bitterness toward the idea that the "powers that be" could actually be trying to find a cure.

To me it feels like Diabetes is thought of as just a "condition" MILLIONS of people have to "deal" with, it's completely manageable and "if you just keep your blood sugars in good control you'll be fine".

I hate to burst anyone's bubble, but that simply hasn't been what I've observed about the disease.

Yes, I am sure that good blood sugar control is indeed helpful in staving off diabetic complications. However, that's just not all there is to it.

I liken it to a tornado. You know how they (tornadoes) often hit one house but skip the one right next to it? They're random, and what they do and don't destroy doesn't always make sense. That's how Diabetes is.

I have known diabetics who could be the poster children for exactly how to manage the disease, who still have complications. I have met others who ignore their blood sugars and have no complications.

Considering everything this disease has put my husband through, and still is putting him through, I pretty much hate it.

So when my daughter wrote an essay for school in which she said her dad is her role model and she wants to help others with Diabetes....well, let's just say I had to chew on that one for awhile.

Not the part about her dad being her role model. I mean, of course he is. That's easy for me to understand. But wanting to help with Diabetes, maybe raise money to find a cure?

Humph! Really?

I know I've said a lot of this already, but the point I'm trying to get to is that this whole idea.....even after signing up to do the Seattle Step Out Walk this weekend....has been a struggle for me. I even kinda, sorta hoped Camryn would lose interest so I wouldn't have to do it.

I asked my mother-in-law if not actually doing the Walk, after family and friends made donations (some really big), would be an asshole move on my part. She thought not, since we still raised money, and considering everything Mark and I have been dealing with.

Even though someone had given me permission to back out, I was still on the fence. I decided to check in with Camryn, who told me she totally still wants to do it.

I said OK and thought on it some more.

I ended up with this: Everything we've been going through with Mark is exactly why we should do this Walk. I should not let our problems win. We need to do what feels right to us, at any given moment.

And seriously, Diabetes is pissing me off quite a bit right about now. Perhaps I should channel that anger into something positive. At least once.