February 6, 2013

This might not make sense...

My favorite online doctor friend Deborah Gilboa recently shared a blog post on one of her Facebook pages titled "Embracing My Inner Old Lady" that I could completely relate to.

The blogger, Adina, described herself:
My skirts have elastic bands and I refuse to wear anything that isn’t comfortable. I don’t like to clutter my days with too many activities. For instance if I have a doctors appointment, and I have carpool, I will tell my friend that I can’t meet her for coffee, because my day is filled up. 
Well paint me green and call me Kermit, it's like she's in my head!

Except, skirts? What are those? I don't have any. But if I did, they'd be just like hers.

I have a very good reason for not appreciating busy-ness. To me, all it does is cause stress. And because my husband's health problems can lead to so much upheaval, I kind of cherish the calm. I honestly do not understand why some people are always go, go, go, do, do, do.

In fact, it seems that whenever something more than regular, day-to-day life comes up, like say, the Holidays, we're lucky if we make it through without incident. It's very difficult for someone with a lot of medical issues to juggle to have their routine messed up. Keeping Mark as healthy as possible is quite the delicate balance.

I may not lead a hectic lifestyle, but I am rarely bored. Home, marriage, kids, friends, family, errands and appointments, hobbies, exercise, entertainment and blogging all fill up my time. Pretty sure I'd be hard-pressed to look around and not be able to find something to do.

I know this to be true and I swear I am very content with things as they are.

I think I feel held back, however. Like, I am happy with my lifestyle, but I also feel like I simply don't have a choice. I even had a dream the other night that, when I looked into the symbolism of what I dreamed, seemed to be expressing this exactly. That dream is the catalyst for this post. I've often thought about writing about this, but have had a hard time finding the right words.

You see, I have to be available for my family. Not only do I still have children who are too young to spend a lot of time unattended, but leaving Mark alone for very long.....well not only do I worry the entire time I'm away, but he himself seems to be insecure about it since last March.

I am a caregiver. A friend of mine described me as such recently and I was a little surprised. Hadn't thought about it that way before.

I don't mean to sound like some kind of martyr. That's not what I'm trying to say. I do get time alone, I do get to take care of myself (now) and do some fun things.

It's just....staying wrapped up in this cocoon is limiting, I guess. And it's not just the people who need me, but also my vision.

I feel like I try to take a step in whatever direction but am halted by some circumstance. And they are often things I can't do anything about. It can be very frustrating to feel thwarted all the time.

Lack of choice and lack of control. Two things people rail against so much in life. I fight not to let these things get to me. To work around them and make the best of each day.

And like I said, for the most part I am OK. I am used to it, have done and will continue to adapt. I have plenty to be happy about.

But if someone wants me to see an ophthalmologist and have my eyes dilated for the first time in 10 years, spend an hour in therapy, meet with my daughter's counselor and teachers AND go to a Girl Scout meeting all in one day....?

Ain't gonna happen.

Update: I posted a little more about this HERE.

Linked up with Pour Your Heart Out.

No comments:

Post a Comment