This one is doubling as my Did You Know? post for June. Cool? Cool.
Did you know I saved the tough/deep questions for last? Well I did.
1. Do you ever wish you hadn't married a diabetic?
Whoever asked this question has balls! Because you could easily offend with a question like this. I, however, am not offended. On the contrary, I think it's a very valid query, all things considered. And I can't say I've never thought about it.
What I wish is that Mark wasn't a diabetic. I never for one minute wish I hadn't married him.
Yes, Mark came with health problems, it's hard and I could lose him. But that's all just....but not just....like, what's on the outside, or a piece, of it. I wrote in My Husband is Enough that Mark is not defined by his poor health, that it's a part of who he is, not the whole of who he is.
Mark is an insulin dependent Type 1 Diabetic on dialysis with heart problems. But he's also a good husband and father, a cooking, music loving, motorcycle riding, gun toting, sarcastic, loyal, faithful man with a great sense of humor and positive attitude. I would be missing all that if all I could see was his Diabetes.
I was meant to love him and marry him. However it turns out.
Two things, I think. The first is not driving. I gave up the great public transportation in the Bay Area when we decided to move to Washington and I do feel it. Most especially where my kids are concerned. I hate it so much when they have to miss out on something because I can't drive them and it falls at a time when their dad can't do it either. They are good kids who seem to understand and don't get too upset about it. But I still feel bad.
The other thing is when I look like a bumbling idiot. I was a little embarrassed when I met Danielle at motherhood: TRUTH because I kept bumping into her and Jessica, and couldn't see a thing in the restaurant (goddamn ambient lighting!). I couldn't see where to put my water and I groped Jessica's hand because I thought she was holding something. At one point I said, "I swear I'm not usually this blind!"
Also, I wonder if fast food employees think I'm illiterate when I ask about something that's probably clearly written on the overhead menu THAT I CAN'T SEE. I have such a hard time asking even those I'm with to read something for me. It makes me feel stupid and I hate it. This is where the grey area that is my vision is difficult. If I were totally blind it wouldn't be an issue. But because no one knows what I can and can't see, it gets confusing. Of course I prefer the vision I have to the alternative, though.
3. You have talked very candidly about the things you are facing in your life. Many of us out here find you inspiring. Do you think of yourself as inspiring/strong or are you "just doing what you do"?
If sharing the ups and downs in my life is inspiring in some way, I would love to own that. What one person finds to be inspiring another may not, so perhaps it depends on the reader? I am just doing what I do too. This is my life; these are the cards I was dealt. I either live it or shoot myself. Right? Doesn't mean I enjoy the hard stuff. But I can't change it. All I can do is take each day as it comes, put on my big girl panties, not sweat the small stuff, express myself and let the love flow. If what I put out there is inspiring, that makes me really happy.
Am I strong? Yeah, I think so. For the most part. Mark and my children have made me strong. I also have some great friends and family. I'm not living my life in a vacuum. I am so lucky to have some other strong people who are there for me.
I may be able to draw on some inner strength, but I still cry. I cry hard. I get frustrated, irritable, and I get down. I have bad days. I ask why, like a lot. The thing about that is, I listen for the answer. I believe an angel whispers an answer in my ear every once in awhile. Being open to the unknown helps. That sounds like it might not make sense. But it does to me.
4. Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Hahahahaha! Oh, thanks for the laugh! I have no freaking clue!
But seriously, my mother recently gave me a book called The Gift Giver. It's a memoir written by a woman (named Jennifer) who lost her husband suddenly (named Mark), and the conversations she says she had with her husband from the great beyond.
At first I was all, really mom, you want me to read a book about a woman losing her husband and they have the same names as us, right now, shortly after almost losing my own husband, amid the continuing fear of if/when that will happen?
But I was intrigued by the message my mom hoped I'd get from the book. And although it was a difficult read, I did get it.
There are two passages from that pertain to the question I'm trying to answer here. The author writes that her dead husband told her:
"Life is meant to be lived in each moment. You need to live in the moment--not in the past, not in the supposed, lost future."After reading the first quote, I realized that Mark (mine) knows how to do that. He's always known how to be in the moment. Here's an existential thought for you: it's probably because his soul knows he isn't meant to live a long life.
"The only thing that you need to do is see, smell, touch, taste, listen, and feel your feelings. That's all. Do those things and you will live an extraordinary life. It's that simple."
I was somewhat astonished to read the second quote because that is what I have always felt to be true about life. That everything else is much less important than the seeing, smelling, touching, tasting.... Actually, this reminds me very much of the movie City of Angels, which I have written about here, long before I ever read this book. This is all very deep and profound to me.
So what I'm saying is, my husband has taught me to live in the now. As much as my brain will let me. I have had to learn to do what feels right in the moment. I have had to accept that planning for the future may be pointless.
All I can know for sure about five years from now is that I will be 43 years old (the age Mark is now) and I will still be a mom. Beyond that, as I've been saying and will keep saying, I am open without expectation.
Danielle and I host this blog hop the first Tuesday of every month.
Play along with us!