Late Night Revelations

What is it about late at night, lying in bed, that helps make thoughts and feelings more clear and understandable?  I suppose it's the dark and the quiet, no distractions.  However, it really isn't the most opportune time to be working on life's great questions since it keeps you awake!

Jessica, one of the people I am closest with, just lost her maternal Grandmother this morning.  Last night she visited at the hospital and told me about it when she got home.  After saying a prayer for a merciful release, I lay in bed thinking about stuff.  I realized that after I had just been very worried about my own Grandmother at the end of December, it turns out to be my friend's Grandma's time to go and she has to say goodbye when I didn't have to.

Then, as is often the case now (and the recurring theme to my blog as of late), my thoughts went straight back to "the night from hell"....Mark coded!...and I literally gasped!  I almost started crying, but managed to take a few deep breaths and shake it off.  So then another new thought came to me.  Maybe Mark coding has effected me so much because I now have very real proof that that can and does happen....so it can happen again.

Um. At the time that seemed like a new and somewhat profound thought, but now that I'm trying to explain, it feels more like a DUH moment.  I guess what I'm trying to say is that experience really freaking scared me and messed me up and I'm just still not over it!  And feeling emotional over someone else's grandmother dying just goes to show how sensitive I still am (well, also how much I care for Jessica).  These are not little things.  It's OK to feel.

On a brighter note, I must gush about my thoughtful and giving husband.  As soon as we found out it was over Mark started asking what we can do.  I picked out flowers and he dropped me off at Jessica's house to be there when she got home so I could give her a big hug and try to help her start processing.  Then he went home and cooked up a double batch of spaghetti and garlic bread to share with her family for dinner.  He had hoped there wouldn't be much to do today.  But since there was, he really stepped up and led with his heart.  Pretty sure he feels like I do, that when we have an opportunity to pay some of the generosity we've been shown forward, we gotta do it!

"Watching a peaceful death of a human being reminds us of a falling star; one of a million lights in a vast sky that flares up for a brief moment only to disappear into the endless night forever."

~Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

2010: An Odyssey

od·ys·sey noun \ˈä-də-sē\; plural od·ys·seys
Definition of ODYSSEY
1: a long wandering or voyage usually marked by many changes of fortune
2: an intellectual or spiritual wandering or quest

Umm. Yes.  That is exactly what 2010 was for me and those close to me.  I really can't say it any better than that, try as I might.
 
I have had so many thoughts running around in my head over the past few months that I've been trying to make sense of.  I have been trying so hard that it has been very emotional and distracting.  I don't think I've been fully myself...or perhaps I am in the process of evolving into a new version of me.  Well, I should be doing that all the time anyway.  What I mean is I think these past few months have been, and still are, a more obvious evolution.
 
Ugh.  I want so much to be able to articulate all my thoughts and feelings but I just can't.  They sort of make sense to ME, but making them make sense to anyone else is another thing entirely.  I had hopes of being able to accept and let go of 2010 by last night, New Year's Eve.  Seemed like that should be doable.  Jessica told me awhile back that there is no timeline for these things, for working out one's issues (PTSD or grief), that I shouldn't try to give it a deadline.  But I hoped she was wrong, hoped I could use the dawning of a new year to "snap out of it!".  But alas, the burden and tension still linger.
 
Let me clarify.  I by no means am sitting and wallowing in a heap of crud.  Anyone who knows me knows this.  The "crud" is simply like a hovering thing, hanging out, waiting for a trigger to pounce and effect me in some way.  Life is essentially good!  After one of the worst times of our lives, we had a wonderful holiday season filled with love and laughter, food and gifts, warmth and joy.  We are loved and blessed.  I feel it and know it.  And I am happy.  We are all happy.
 
I have the Beatles song "The Long and Winding Road" in my head today.  I have no idea where or when I heard it in order for it to be there.  Maybe an angel put it there because it does seem to be appropriate:
 
The long and winding road

That leads to your door
Will never disappear
I've seen that road before
It always leads me here
Lead me to you door

The wild and windy night
That the rain washed away
Has left a pool of tears
Crying for the day
Why leave me standing here?
Let me know the way

Many times I've been alone
And many times I've cried
Anyway you'll never know
The many ways I've tried

And still they lead me back
To the long winding road
You left me standing here
A long long time ago
Don't leave me waiting here
Lead me to your door

But still they lead me back
To the long winding road
You left me standing here
A long long time ago
Don't keep me waiting here
Lead me to your door
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

So I guess I am beginning 2011 the same way I ended 2010, on an odyssey, the journey of my life.  And I suppose that's not a bad thing.  The journey's not supposed to end - ever.  Maybe it doesn't have to all make sense.  I wish it did!  And maybe some of it will.  But I've never been an all or nothing kind of person, so why start now?

Happy New Year to me!