May 13, 2014

Good Health Guilt

I'm guessing "good health guilt" is similar to survivor's guilt, only different.

I don't know. I think I made it up. A Google search revealed it doesn't seem to be a real thing.

I have good health guilt because of the stark contrast in how well I am compared to how unwell my husband is.

And lately? Twenty fourteen is proving to be The Year of One Thing After Another. Mark has to have his fistula checked out AGAIN this week because, after two surgeries and an infection, it is flowing slower than the dialysis folks would like it to.

Every time I bound up or down the stairs. Each day I head out for one of my walks. When I lift something heavy and move it without losing my balance.

I feel it.

Whenever I get up and walk out of the hospital, leaving Mark there in the bed.

Good health guilt.

Sure, I have my issues. I have bad eyes and chronic back pain. My left leg keeps doing this weird cramping thing....

But those ailments pale in comparison with diabetes, dialysis and heart disease.....losing feeling in his extremities, his susceptibility to getting infections and sores on his feet. Blood sugar tests, wearing an insulin pump and a small pharmacy of meds in our kitchen cabinet.

Over the past couple of weeks a virus attacked three out of the four of us. AJ first, then Mark and me. Of course it hit Mark the hardest, leaving him miserable in bed for three full days (plus several more of slowly getting better). I had to drag him to dialysis and for the first time probably ever, I felt like I needed to be with him there.

Boy did Mark take note of how much less the cold sidelined me. He knows that's the way these things always go, but I think the disparity is more obvious now, like he's noticing that much more how different he is from others.

I can't help but feel guilty. I know I shouldn't. I didn't make Mark sick. And I have no solution for my feelings. I'm not sitting here saying if I could take it from him and be the sick one instead, I would. No, that's no more rational than the guilt feelings are.

It's just hard.

Linking up with Shell's Pour Your Heart Out.

photo credit: LollyKnit via photopin cc

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