Stuck in the Muck

My husband has a couple major health problems and they dominate a good portion of our lives.  Every day of the world he is an insulin-dependent Diabetic and on in-center hemodialysis.  These 2 things can cause a myriad of other problems, and when they do, I freak out a little.

Like I've already blogged about twice, this strep infection that has hit our family is driving me crazy.  Diabetics don't have great immune systems and after being one for most of one's life, poor circulation in the legs and feet.  Mark had to have a toe amputated several weeks after his heart bypass last Fall because a small sore caused the little toe bone to be infected.  So grateful his heart attack made the doctors take notice of his toe, otherwise the infection could've spread into the rest of his foot or worse.

So Mark is susceptible to infection.  That's kind of an understatement.  He was freaking SEPTIC when he had his heart attack!  Right now, he supposedly only has your "garden variety" strep and staph, nothing fancy or that should be too hard to kick.

First antibiotic was apparently not cutting it, though.  He went into the ER last night after his fever spiked to 102-ish.  They decided they probably needed to add another antibiotic.  They gave him a dose of it there and sent him home with a prescription for the rest.

I know it hasn't been another 24 hours on the new med yet, but he's still trying to keep his temp down.  I just find this all so weird!  The temp comes and goes.  He came home from the hospital last night feeling pretty OK.  Then the temp comes back.  What is going on inside his stupid body??

I'm not only freaking out about the confusing nature of it all, however.  See, when everything is going along all status quo like, I'm good.  I can handle and deal with the everyday crap involved with Diabetes and dialysis.  But when something more is dumped on top.....not so much.

I feel like I'm Chicken Little running around thinking the sky is falling!  Whenever something more happens with Mark I start thinking his death could be imminent.  And I don't see this getting any easier the older he gets.  Since "the night from hell", the night of the bypass surgery, I worry that we're working with borrowed time here.

I know I shouldn't think that way.  But I do.  I know the bypass was a good thing for his heart and should be good for him for a long time.  But there are just so many things that could mess with him, so many variables.  I know I shouldn't burden myself thinking of every which way he could die.  I know!  I'm not stupid.  Just not very smart.

At times like these, when Mark is extra sick, I also wonder "why me?"  Why is this the life I'm supposed to have?  But then, I know those are dumb questions.  I know it's all for a reason.  I know it's because I am who I am and he is who he is and we were meant to love each other.  It's as simple and as complicated as that.

I really wish I could ride out the muck without all this inner turmoil.  I try.  I think I was doing a much better job of it before....you know....that night.  It's just that ever since then I'm all the more aware that my big, strong husband is in fact mortal, and I kind of hate that.

When you live in the now, and the now is crappy, what then?  I'm just sayin'....