Being a Grown-Up

My eight year old son has asked, "What's it like to be a grown-up?", of me a couple of times recently.

I think he's asked more than once because he's not satisfied with my answers.

Because, how do you describe it? More specifically, how do you describe it without sounding a little embittered?

I said to AJ:

• Adults have to make money, clean and cook and pay bills
• We have to take care of kids
• Grown-ups have LOTS of responsibilities
• But, we don't have to live with our parents anymore
• Don't have to ask for permission to do or have things
• Can stay up as late as we want and eat whatever we want

But when I think more about it, I could also say:

• Adults who are married, and especially married with children, DO have to ask for permission to do or have things, or we just don't bother to ask because we put our kids' needs ahead of our own
• As you get older you find that you don't want to, or shouldn't, stay up real late or you'll be so tired the next day
• Also as you get older, it is not a good idea to eat whatever you want because your metabolism slows down and you'll get fat, not to mention things like cholesterol and high blood pressure

Further, the most unexpected part of being a grown-up is that I didn't even feel like an actual adult grown-up until I turned 30.

Even though I was married at 24 and became a mom at 26, I still felt like I was 18, maybe 21 at the most.

Before moving back to Washington, we lived in the San Francisco Bay Area. A defining moment in my life was a short encounter I had with a teenager on a BART platform. I was waiting there for my train with my baby in her stroller. This kid walks up to me and asks, "Do you have the time, ma'am?"

I told him the time, he said thanks and walked away. As I watched him go back to his friends, it hit me that they don't see me as one of them. Not even remotely.

I wasn't a kid anymore.

As impressionable of a moment that was, I still didn't feel like I was that far removed from them. Sure, I was a little older, married with a child and a job and bills and all that, but I was still only in my 20s and kind of felt like I was just playing house.

They -- I mean "they" -- say that 30, 40, 50....are milestone years. You change and grow around these ages. It's totally true.

Thirty came and I was all, "I am officially an adult now." No two ways about it and no turning back. I honestly didn't know if I was happy or sad that I had reached that place in my life.

Ten years later, as I approach 40, I am, for the most part, happy about it.

My 30s have taught me A LOT, and I expect my 40s will too.

What I should probably say to my son about being a grown-up is that....it's a journey. A winding, twisty, sometimes uphill path through experiences, emotions and lessons. Often adulthood is mundane, but sometimes it's exciting. It is also surprising. And if you stay open to whatever life throws at you, the more you will get out of it and enjoy it.

That's my story, and I'm stickin' to it!


*I wrote this to finish the sentence: "The most unexpected part of being a grown-up is...", thought up by Left Brain Buddha for Finish the Sentence Friday.

The View From Here: The Days

I am very excited to have Colleen of The Family Pants sharing her View here today!

Colleen has written some excellent posts that just grab you and make you feel like cheering. From reading her blog, I can tell that she cares about what's right, even if it's not the most popular opinion. So I knew her perspective was one I had to have here as part of this series.

If you are a stay-at-home parent, your head will be bobbing up and down as you read. If you're not, you will surely come away with a very good sense of what it's really like.

__________

The Days

When the opportunity arose for me to stay home full-time, I started dreaming of all the ways I was going to be the best stay at home mom ever. The house would smell like lemon cake and I’d shower every day and wear nice clothes and take my kids on Maria Von Trapp-like outings. There would be singing and I’d learn to sew and shit. 

This is what happened though.

There are days when I'm ON. I'm in sync with these people and they are in sync with me and we glide through the day on a cloud singing and dancing or something. It's awesome.  It feels easy. Those days bring with them the validation that I am not messing up my kids. Good days involve seeing my kids actually share (#tear) or hearing them sing a song together and help each other out. Good are the days that I run back to the bathroom when I hear the words “I’ll wipe your butt, ok?” and am at once proud of them for helping each other and terrified that they have taken it this far.

These are the days when my house smells like lemon cake and a bluebird chirps on my shoulder.

But there are some days that are downright awful, humbling, mind numbing and completely insane. Those are the days when I find myself staring blankly at the wall waiting for rainbow unicorns to appear to break up these two as they fight. Sometimes I find myself frantically making even more play-doh with that frenzied giant smile that I get when I am over-acting the happy.  You know the smile I am talking about, right? The one where your face hurts because you are really reaching? That one.

There are the middle days that have both highs and lows. There are rainy days and cabin fever days, funny days and sad days. There are days when you want to run for the hills and days when there is no place else you would rather be. There are days when I just can’t make another craft without wanting to pull my hair out. There are days when I just want to be alone. There are days when I never want to be away from them even for a second. There are giggle days and “NO I DON’T WANT TO!” days.

There are days when I dream of what they will be when they grow up. And days when I cannot bear for them to get even one day older than they are right now. There are days when my house is clean and days when every single dish is dirty. There are days when dinner is slow-cooking all day long and there are days when I dump applesauce into a bowl and toss out a few nuggets at 7 pm.

There are days when I wake up and cannot drag myself out of bed without an act of Congress and days when I fly up out of bed giggling with my kids.

Some days start awesome and end bad. Some days start bad and end with a mercifully soft pillow-like landing. Some days are as boring as watching paint dry and other days are exciting and full of harmony. Some days require too much T.V. while others are spent riding bikes and playing in dirt.

There are good days. There are bad days. There are all the days in between.

Most importantly though, there are days. Days that will slip by and be gone before I am ready.  So I love this day anyway. Even if it sucks the high hard one.  Because nobody’s perfect.  Not even Maria Von Trapp. Least of all me.

But then again, I’m not aiming for perfection anymore. 

__________

This right here is EXACTLY it.

I don't know how it could be described better.

But I do know you need to get to know Colleen better!

Go to her:
Blog - Facebook - Twitter - Pinterest

**If you are interested in contributing YOUR View, please go HERE**

What is a Caregiver?

There is this issue that has been bugging me for awhile. It is that I feel I am not seen as a caregiver to my husband.

It seems that people think of caregivers as those who tend to the elderly or children.

I get a newsletter from the chain of clinics my family sees doctors at. In it I've seen a blurb about a support group for caregivers. Looking closer, I see that it is specifically for those who care for someone who has Alzheimer's.

In the waiting room of my husband's cardiologist he picked up a copy of the American Diabetes Association magazine. Looking through it on our way home, I noticed in the table of contents an article "for caregivers". I flipped to the page number and read the words "caregivers of children with diabetes".

And I thought, "What about me?"

Is a wife who is there for her husband through all of his health problems not also a caregiver?

Because let me tell you, I am indeed a caregiver to Mark.

Each time he needs me to run upstairs to get something because his legs are too tired.

When he needs help redressing his surgery incisions.

If his blood sugar is low and he needs something to eat.

When he had bypass surgery and they discovered infection surrounding his heart, I had to be taught how to give him IV antibiotics through a port in his arm.

Back in 1996 when he got a kidney and pancreas, his transplant coordinator turned to me and said, after hearing that we lived together, "Congratulations, you just received a transplant too."

And when we very first moved in together in 1994, I learned how to give Mark insulin injections in his arms, so he could sometimes not have to give them to himself in his abdomen.

Through surgeries, infections and hospital stays, for nearly 20 years, I have been helping my husband manage his health problems.

If that's not a caregiver, I don't know what is.

Would I not benefit from a support group or helpful information in a magazine article?

Or is it that the vows "in sickness and in health" mean a spouse is merely obligated?

These are the things I felt until I recently turned to Google to investigate. I found:

• Apparently there is a Well Spouse Association.
• Medicare.gov has a page about caregiving.
• There is what looks like an online magazine called Today's Caregiver.
• And CareGiving.com, "caring for you as you care for family and friends".

So OK, there are some resources out there. I feel relieved by this, but on the other hand, I wonder why I had to go searching for them. Why has no one with Mark's dialysis clinic or his endocrinologist or cardiologist or, or....ever pointed us in any of these directions?

I feel it just goes to show that taking care of the WHOLE person/family is NOT happening.

Like, no one seems to think my children will need any counseling until it falls under the umbrella of bereavement.

Why does their dad have to be dead before the situation looks like something that might need attention?

These are obviously open-ended questions. I don't expect anyone reading this to have the answers.

I just wonder if this is yet another healthcare hurdle, you know? I wonder why I had to seek out counseling for myself. Why, when my primary care physician prescribed an anti-anxiety medication for me, did he not also insist I get into counseling?

Why do I even have to wonder?

My Blog and Social Media Final Wishes

What would happen to my blog and social media accounts in the event of my untimely demise?

What would I want to happen?

These are questions I started thinking about after reading a recent post by my friend Greta at g*funk*ified.

It's very disconcerting to continue seeing the Facebook page of someone who has passed. Well, at least I think it is. My uncle died two years ago but his Facebook page is still alive. His name was Mark, the same as my husband, so every time I go to tag my husband in one my posts, my uncle's face pops up.

On the other hand, a fan page was created for my friend Emily after she passed in 2007 as a way of giving her loved ones a place to "visit" her and share memories if we wanted. For some reason that is more comfortable for me.

As a blogger and social media enthusiast I have "put myself out there". I have steadily grown my following and made some friends. I'd like to think that if I were suddenly gone, someone would wonder what happened. I know I do when someone I've been following seems to have dropped off the face of the earth without telling anyone anything. I have gone searching for people only to find their blog or twitter or whatever just gone. What the hell happened??

So after reading Greta's post, I turned to my husband and told him the following:

• I would want someone to post on my blog explaining what happened. People need closure!
• I would also want them to post to my Twitter account and Facebook fan page at least.
• I can write down login info and put it in our safe, but basically, if you open up Chrome on my computer, I should be automatically signed in to almost everything.
• I think my blog should be left up at least until the URL is supposed to be renewed.
• Before it goes away, I would love it if someone turned my blog into a book for my kids.
• Perhaps have my Facebook account memorialized.
• All other accounts should probably be canceled, deactivated or whatever at some point.

Granted, considering Mark's health status I should probably tell someone else the specifics too (or just the combo to our safe).

It's odd to have to think about such things, but our online lives are becoming more and more prolific, so I think this is most definitely something one should take into account as part of their end-of-life considerations.

Of course, I have no intention of going anywhere any time soon. I intend to get quite old and wrinkly, and take you along for the ride thankyouverymuch!

Have you ever thought about what would happen to your online presence postmortem?

Please Don't Begrudge Me

be·grudge

biˈgrəj/ - verb
1. envy (someone) the possession or enjoyment of (something).
"she begrudged Martin his affluence"
synonyms: envy, resent, grudge

2. give reluctantly or resentfully.
"nobody begrudges a single penny spent on health"
synonyms: resent, feel aggrieved about, feel bitter about, be annoyed about, be resentful of, grudge, mind, object to, take exception to, regret

The little cruise my BFF and I are taking in celebration of our 40th birthdays is rapidly approaching.

I find myself using words like "little", just like I did above, to try to diminish it a bit for others.

To place less importance, to insist that it's not too much or too extravagant.

If I say it's "little" or "short" then maybe I'll deserve it more.

I further feel the need to share how circumstances and stars have aligned in a way that my BFF and her husband wouldn't have me paying for any of it if I didn't insist that I must pay for something.

As if I don't deserve to spend any money on myself.

My husband is jealous that I get to do this. He loves me and wants me to be able to do it, but he is indeed sad that he cannot. Probably also sad that I'm experiencing it with somebody other than him.

I have a friend who also turns 40 this year, but due to her personal financial situation, she and her husband just do not have the funds to do something special for it.

She is jealous of my trip too.

I love birthdays and think that everyone should get to celebrate theirs in some special way, so it does make me sad that Mark's health problems hinder him. I also feel sad that my friend might not have a "fabulous 40".

But here's the thing: I should not be made to feel bad for getting this opportunity. I should not have to apologize for it, nor try to diminish how special it is to me in any way.

It's not fair.

I do deserve it.

I have NEVER done anything like this.

I met Mark just after turning 20. We married when I was 24 and I had babies at 26 and 31. I fell in love and wanted to be married. I've always wanted to be a mom. I made those decisions and I don't for one single second regret them.

But my entire adult life has been about everyone else. I've never "sown my wild oats", had a Katy Perry "Last Friday Night" or "I Kissed a Girl" experience or spontaneously jumped on a plane to Vegas. It took until I was 36 to get my first tattoo!

I have said no to going on girls weekends away, including a very special trip in honor of my friend Emily who died of breast cancer, because I was too afraid that something would happen to Mark and I wouldn't be there.

But something has shifted in me in the last year. I have learned that I cannot control whether or not Mark will have any problems and my presence doesn't automatically make them better. I have also learned that there are others who love him too, and are willing to step up if he needs. My children aren't babies anymore and can absolutely handle my absence. I am not the be-all, end-all.

And maybe I could use a break from feeling like I am.

This is HUGE for me.

I wrote last summer about how we don't take real, just for the fun of it, vacations. That all our trips are to visit family only.

So yeah, if I want to take a few days out of my life the year I turn 40 to celebrate that milestone and where I am in my life, and spend quality time with my oldest friend while sipping drinks with umbrellas in them, I'm damn sure going to.

I'm going to be Brave, and I'm not going to feel bad about it.

The View From Here: Life as a Non-Traditional Student

This week's View is from Kim Ulmanis.

I can't say Kim of such-and-such blog because that is the name of her blog. Her blog name is her name!

Kim has recently returned to college at the ripe old age of 33, and has noticed some things that make her a bit different from other students.

__________

Life as a Non-Traditional Student

So you might be asking: What is a non-traditional student? The short and simple answer I’ll give is that a non-traditional student is someone who is over the age of 25 and has decided to return to school to complete their college degree. It could be for personal achievement, trying to build their career, or even changing their career. I chose to return for personal achievement and, to a small extent, for career purposes. 

I first began college in 2002 when I was a few months shy of 22 years old. Lost, clueless, and with a few odds stacked against me. One of them being my unsupportive parents, another being my own fear because I failed out of high school three short years earlier. 

This is why my parents were unsupportive. Their attitude was along the lines of “Hey, you couldn’t finish high school. What makes you think you can get through college?” Talk about insulting and gut-wrenching. 

But, I stuck it out and graduated four years later from the community college I attended with an associate’s in Liberal Arts in hand. 

Fast forward to today and I am now a 33 year old married university student majoring in journalism and plan to graduate by fall 2015.

To say life as a non-traditional student is kind of tricky would be an understatement, at least for me. I’m surrounded by early 20-somethings and a small handful of late 20-somethings. Many of these students either still live with their parents or with roommates in dorms. They know little or nothing about the realities of adult life or marriage. 

Because of that, there are times I feel out place and awkward. Here I am trying, sometimes desperately, to fit in and still be one of the cool kids. I’m still young and questionably hip. 

But there’s one thing I’ve learned that often separates me from them: I have zero patience or tolerance for bullshit. I’m there to get a job done and get started on the next project while some are still diddling around and not getting anything done. 

Then there’s the issue of relationships. I’m married, they are not. I make a conscious effort to avoid using the words “my husband” incessantly but they’re a huge component of my life. My husband is a huge part of my world. To stop using the words “my husband” in conversation would be weird.

Friends have been known to talk to me about their drama and relationship issues, sometimes to the point of me wanting to tell them to shut the hell up. I’m thinking, “Been there, done that. Don’t care to get into your drama.” 

It’s no picnic when I have to mentally tune them out because they’re bitching about their idiotic other half or soon to be ex or already is an ex. My marriage isn’t perfect, not by a long shot, but I’ve dealt with the bullshit that comes with dating and want no part of it now that I’m in a long-term, committed relationship. Married issues, while similar in some ways, are still different than those in relationships but are unmarried. 

All of this, and then some, sometimes leads to me feeling like I’m being a know-it-all snob around my younger peers. I’ve been there, done that on a lot of things and I let my experiences be known. For being an introvert who doesn’t like to be around people too much, I have a weird habit of opening my mouth and giving advice. 

Despite the occasional frustrations and that pesky snobby feeling, I do have to admit I like being the older student. I feel more focused and determined than I was 10 years ago and it’s nice to bring some experience to the table. Granted I sometimes feel like an idiot because my knowledge on various topics is next to nil and the 22 year old who is four seats away is a genius. Hey, not everything can be perfect nor can I be brilliant in everything. 

At the end of it all, I’m just happy to be in school with an opportunity to get my degree. I may not start a career in journalism but at least I’ll have the satisfaction of knowing I did it, even if to my peers I’m an old fart. Pipe down, whippersnappers! I’m trying to study!

__________

I honestly don't know if I could handle being around all those young, inexperienced college kids.
Or maybe it would be amusing. :-)

Get more Kim at her
Blog - Facebook - Twitter

**If you are interested in contributing YOUR View, please go HERE**

Because of Chronic Illness

Warning: This is not going to be a happy blog post. But it is a necessary one. Because no matter whatever else I blog about, this is always in the background.

Lately it is in the forefront.

Now that we're past the middle of the month I feel I can safely say February 2014 will probably go down in history as one of the cruddiest and most stressful for Mark and I.

Technically, I suppose everything is really happening to Mark. Seems like everything that isn't a major medical crisis is afflicting him. But see, when you're married, the things that happen to your spouse, happen to you too.

Normally I feel like Mark is being a little dramatic when his attitude turns to thinking the world is out to get him or it seems like nothing will go right for him.

But this month? He has every right to feel that way.

The 3rd, 5th, 6th, 12th, 13th, 14th, and at least the morning of the 17th have all been shit days around here, plus dealing with all the shit the rest of the days.

We have both been worried, stressed, on edge, touchy, frustrated and snappy, but trying oh so hard not to be.

Valentine's Day was probably the worst day of all. Mark was in a great deal of pain from his fistula surgery, we were trying to figure out how to get some car repairs done and then we had to take a trip to the ER because we were worried about enough blood flow getting to Mark's hand.

We argued and I cried. My poor dad had to deal with my scary female emotions when he took me to get a prescription for Mark, and stupid cat food.

I felt like a schmuck of a mom because we didn't get any sort of Valentine's treats for the kids, had to order them a pizza and leave for the ER. I kept calling them to apologize and say I love you over and over again.

My husband is a very unhappy camper right now and I'm having a hard time holding it all together for us both. I'm trying so hard to be kind, considerate and helpful to him, but sometimes he bites my head off and then I feel defeated.

I tell you this because having a chronic illness and loving someone who has a chronic illness is sometimes really damn hard. And I'm just completely unable to sugar coat it.

I can put on a brave face till the cows come home. Mark can be a super trooper all his life. But sometimes it just plain sucks.

Sometimes it's miserable.

And sometimes you really are justified in feeling like the sky is falling, that nothing will ever go right for you again, that all the love you feel for someone doesn't make a damn bit of difference and you just want to crawl under a rock.

This is not melodrama. This is real.

This is part of who I and we are because of chronic illness.

Lovey Dovey

I am  a day late and a dollar short, but I had this post almost nearly finished before my Valentine's Day got completely screwed up and I can't stand the thought of the time I took going to waste, so Imma publishing it anyway.

__________

The Old School Blogging theme this month is Love/Valentine's!

Syrupy sweet.

Froo-froo.

This is how my husband describes romantic gestures. He's not one for PDA and hates the idea of forced romance. He's not much of a snuggler (we have a king size bed). Also, he thinks that women should be romantic too.

 Granted, it took some getting used to, but I have no doubt that my husband loves me. He shows me in so many other ways. And he has been known to buy me flowers, chocolates and a sappy card on occasion.

The Questions

How do you typically celebrate Valentine's Day? Usually we try to do something nicer than usual for dinner, whether it's going out (just us or as a family) or choosing something special to have at home. Maybe something for dessert too. This year we are having steak and baked potatoes which we are NOT sharing with the kids! (A day late.)

Do you like to get A) chocolates B) flowers  C) a sweet card or D) ALL OF THE ABOVE? I love flowers, but since we've never had a large home, I often feel like they're just in the way. And then they die. I like chocolate and I like sweet cards. I like wine, good food and a good movie more.

Would you consider yourself a “cuddler”?  If not, would you at least cuddle on Valentine’s Day? I am a cuddler, but like I already said, Mark is not. He likes to a little bit, but mostly he just likes being near me. I get my cuddles from my kids and my kitty, though.

What is your favorite movie about love or with a love story? Well, I mean, The Princess Bride for sure. I love When Harry Met Sally and Love, Actually too. The biggest romantic tear-jerker? P.S. I Love You, hands down.

Do you believe in “love at first sight”? Did it happen to you? I don't know if it was love at first sight, but I was immediately drawn to, and intrigued by, Mark when I met him. I absolutely believe in love at first sight when it comes to our children.

Do you believe love can conquer all things? I think I do, but not necessarily romantic love. Just LOVE in general.

What is one of the main things you love about your S.O.(significant other)? I wrote a whole list of things once. One of the biggest things, though, is his fortitude.

Tell me about your first crush! My VERY first crush -- we're talking elementary school here -- was this cute blond-haired, blue-eyed, freckle-faced kid named Kevin. I just thought he was so adorable. We once sat in the "love tunnel" on the school playground and our little friends dared us to kiss. We were too chicken.

Do you have any embarrassing or horror dating stories? I didn't really "date" much. I met guys through school or a mutual friend and we just hung out and become a couple, I guess. I can't think of anything horrible that ever happened.

Favorite flower? Rose.

What’s the first type of chocolate you hope for when you reach into a box of chocolates? Caramel or coconut.

Favorite love song? Our song is "Thank You" by Led Zeppelin, and it really is a very nice love song. I chose Celine Dion's "Because You Loved Me" as our wedding dance song. I say "I chose" because Mark hates Celine Dion and only went along with it because of the lyrics.

What is the best breakup song? Pretty much the entire "Jagged Little Pill" album by Alanis Morissette, and "Since U Been Gone" by Kelly Clarkson. Not really a breakup song, but "U + Ur Hand" by Pink is a great "leave me alone, guys" song.

Favorite celebrity couple? Wills & Kate!

Overall, are you pro- or anti- Valentine’s Day? Oh, it just IS. I could do without it, especially now that I also have a wedding anniversary. And when you're single, it makes you feel lonely. So....it's kinda nice, but also kind of a pain.

If someone did that “Say Anything” boom box thing outside your window, would you be into it, or call the police? I'd totally be into it!

First thing you notice about the objects of your affection? I don't entirely understand this question, but I'm taking it to mean, what stands out to me about the people I love. And that's just that they're in my life and how much they fill me up, and how I get something different from each person.

What’s the best thing you’ve ever gotten for Valentine’s Day? Jewelry!

The View From Here: The Lens of Motherhood

The View this Valentine's Day Eve comes from Julia of Elated Exhaustion.

Julia had me with this gem:

"Each time I hit the publish button, it is with a delicate balance of vulnerability and bravery."

Which is now part of my Me & Why I Blog page.

She shares her perspective on motherhood today.

__________

The Lens of Motherhood 

My house is littered in Legos and stray toys. 

When I open my refrigerator, I am greeted with juice boxes and pre-packaged children’s snacks. 

My bed rotates décor and the fancy throw pillows that used to adorn it are tossed on the floor as Curious George and Leo from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles settle their way in. 

I cannot take a shower without a pair of small eyes looking at me and my makeup is now just as much a child’s play toy as it is a tool to make myself presentable. 

I am a Mom. 

I have friends who are not yet mothers. They tell fabulous stories about events they go to, dance classes they take, dinners they leisurely partake in, and life as lived through the lens of a person without children. 

I cannot make plans without first arranging a babysitter. 

“Getting ready” is not as simple as taking a shower, getting dressed, and doing hair and makeup. It is a full-fledged routine which often involves chasing a toddler around while in a varied stage of nudity. 

Sometimes, I wonder what it would be like to have a home not decorated in the toys of a little one and not draped in the ever so slightly sticky coat of toddler-ness that binds itself to the walls and the furniture. 

Sometimes, I wonder what quiet would sound like, what peace would be like; what a world not tethered to a little one would mean. 

Credit: Amy Robinson Photography

But then, I take in my view. The living room scattered with toys, the kitchen filled with snacks for little ones, the upstairs bedroom devoted to my little boy. 

And I smile at the pictures on my wall displaying my little one momentarily captured at different stages of growth. 

I am so very aware that this stage of intensity and littleness is not a permanent one. 

The things I’m “missing out on” right now in my life are things that could never compare to the small beauty found in little sticky fingers, afternoons of lego building, and good night cuddles from my son. 

I am a Mom. I view life from the lens of motherhood. 

And for that, I’m so very thankful.

__________

Of course we are always wistful for what could or might be if some circumstance were different.

But when you do stop and look around at the life you have, you can't imagine it any other way.

That is the epitome of gaining perspective and living with a grateful heart.

Find more of Julia at her:

Blog - Facebook - Twitter - Pinterest - Instagram

**If you are interested in contributing YOUR View, please go HERE**

Feeling Strange

I'm feeling things I've never felt before.

It's like....a push and pull.

Like I'm cut in half. That there are two parts of me going in different directions.

The two "Mes" are struggling to find the balance.

__________

The Me that has always been is firmly rooted in one place. She is happy there. She is comfortable. She loves and is loved. She knows exactly who she is.

The Me who is emerging is, at the risk of sounding so very cliche, unfolding her wings like a newly formed butterfly. She is testing them out. She thinks they're pretty. But they also scare her, and make her feel uncertain and unsteady.

What does she do with her new wings? How does she reconcile the two parts of her into ONE, fully formed new being?

__________

I know I am allowed to change and grow. I've been doing it all my life, really. But right now, it feels bigger somehow. It's been slower before; feels faster now.

There's a quote/saying that goes:

There are two things we should give our children; one is roots, and the other is wings.

How do I do that for myself?

There's really nothing more I can say about this right now. That's where I'm stuck. It's strange and confusing. But I needed to say just this much. For now.

Join the #KeepSMSocial Movement!

Social media.

We love it. We hate it. We love it. We want to throw our phone across the room. Oh, but my friends live in there!

It's supposed to be social, right? Entertaining. Fun. Interactive. Engaging.

Participating in social media should be like a giant, never-ending party on the Internet!

As a blogger, I know that there are lots of ways we use social media other than sharing photos, commenting on status updates, planning (IRL) parties and giggling at silly memes.

We bloggers share our blog post links. Then we share other blog links because we liked them and think you might like them too. News agencies are now keeping us updated on social media, people are debating politics, religion and gossiping about celebrities. And then there's advertising via social media.

So much so that it's often hard to just have a convo with someone.

Have you noticed this? I have. So has my friend Robbie of Fractured Family Tales. She and I want to get some of the friendly exchanges back into our social media lives.

We've chosen a hashtag and a day and time to have a twitter party!

To just chat with people. Gab. Jabber. Prattle. Engage in friendly discourse.

However you say it, you should join us because it will be FUN!

What: Keep Social Media Social Twitter Party
When: Saturday, 7:00 PM (PST)
Where: On Twitter with @JenAnnHall (me) and @momma23monkeys (Robbie)
Why: "Cause we miss just chatting with people!
Hashtag: #KeepSMSocial

Spread the word, invite your friends, let's play!

Perhaps it can become a weekly thing!

At the Bottom of the To-Do List

You know those things you keep meaning to pick up when you go shopping? Things that you don't need very often, so they're not usually on your radar?

You think about them on your way out, "Oh, I should pick up ______," and then you kick yourself when you get home because you didn't.

What about things around your house that could use fixing, but just aren't a high priority? Or things you'd simply like to change, but the current whatever-it-is works fine, so you don't think you can justify it because you only want a new one.

Such as....

1. A new broom - the one I have is all just....yuck. I want a new freaking broom! But is that ever something I'm thinking about between sweepings? No.

2. Vacuum cleaner filters - Ours got so full of crud, and our vacuum actually got clogged and couldn't suck properly, that we had to have it serviced by a repairman.

3. A second hose for the backyard - because the one in the front doesn't stretch all the way to the back (thisclose) and you're super tired of filling and refilling the watering can. (And actually, we need a new hose for the front now too because Mark ran over the one we had.)

4. Speaking of the backyard, brackets to rehang the gate - thankfully my step-dad is a busy-body so when he and my mom were here for Christmas, he got out there and fixed it.

5. Those special vanity light bulbs for the bathroom(s) - there are currently 3 of 5 out in our master bathroom.

6. Dish towels - ours are so shabby. But they still do the job....

7. Gas for the lawnmower - I'll mow the lawn, but filling the gas jug is Mark's job.

8. A new kitchen faucet - we have a bowl living under the sink because ours is leaking. But it still works, and faucets are not cheap, so we wait.....

9. Honestly, I'd love to replace all our faucets AND doorknobs - besides our front door, we still have all the cheap, unattractive ones the house was built with.

10. We have two empty planter boxes - Mark built 3 planter boxes in the backyard but we've yet to plant in two of them. Need dirt, yo. In the smaller one I want to plant strawberries, and in the larger, other edibles.

The bottom line is that these things aren't really big priorities, are they? Food, gas and new shoes for the kids are more important, so that's what we take care of first. This other stuff is extra.

On the other hand, I know they're not BIG things so it shouldn't be too hard to fulfill some of them, but still. Somebody is always NEEDING something! You know?


Linked up with Monday Listicles - yay!

Well My Week Was Crap

I want to tell you....

I/we have not had a week as crappy as this in a long time. The "when it rains, it pours" kind.

I should be grateful things haven't been so frustrating in awhile though, hu?

OK, one thankful list item checked off!

And I suppose I should be grateful no one died.

Two thankful list items. Check, check!

Actually, that's not entirely true. Sure, everyone near and dear to me is still breathing, but my friend's mom did pass away on Tuesday. Which totally sucks for her and I care about her so I feel bad.

Now that I think about it, something did die: my husband's fistula.

A fistula used for hemodialysis is a direct connection of an artery to a vein. Once the fistula is created it is a natural part of the body. This is the preferred type of access because once the fistula properly matures and gets bigger and stronger; it provides an access with good blood flow that can last for decades.

Mark has had a badass, perfectly flowing fistula for 12 years. He has had no problems with it until now. It is the one thing that hasn't gone wrong for him in the last 12 years of being on dialysis.

Adding that to the thankful list! That's three things now, right?

But literally overnight, it shut down. Clots, calcification, what-have-you. Done.

This happened Wednesday morning after he already had a truncated dialysis treatment on Monday, coming off his 2-day stretch over the weekend. Monday's treatment was interrupted by tummy trouble.

Thankfully, he was able to get in for a make-up treatment on Tuesday, otherwise he would have had to be admitted to the hospital come Wednesday and still no dialysis.

Fourth thing to be thankful for! I guess.

Everyone scrambles and Mark gets in for a "fistulagram" Wednesday afternoon. This is similar to an angiogram and angioplasty they can do for the heart. But no dice. It's gonna need surgery.

So the outpatient surgery folks put a Quinton catheter into Mark's chest and schedule operation fistula-fix for the next morning.

I was thankful they went ahead with the catheter, kicked him out of the hospital without much fuss and his dialysis clinic was able to get him in for a 3-hour treatment that night.

Three more things to be grateful for! We're up to SEVEN now!

So you know how you're not supposed to eat or drink anything after midnight before a surgery? Well, that can be kinda tricky for a diabetic. In the interest of preventing a low blood sugar, Mark had a snack before bed and didn't give himself any extra insulin.

Turns out, his blood sugar decided to go high. This is apparently a good reason NOT to proceed with surgery (something I did not know). Mark took some insulin, but his sugar wasn't coming down quickly enough and we missed the window of opportunity with the surgeon. Surgery cancelled. Go home. Until next week.

The day before they practically threw us out of the hospital. Now, notsomuch.

Do you have any idea how thoroughly frustrating waiting for NOTHING to happen is? I think my dad wanted to punch somebody.

I whined for people to entertain me on Twitter. And they did!

#8 thing to be thankful for.

When we finally got home I checked the mail and found three letters from a certain government entity that has to do with providing benefits to the elderly and disabled. One of which was incomplete. It said there was something they needed to tell me, but then didn't. Weird. The other two said they are cutting our children's portions in HALF.

The hell you say??

Nothing, nothing, absolutely nothing has changed with any of this in YEARS. I couldn't even remember the phone number to call them because I haven't had to in so long. My and Mark's disabilities are so etched in stone at this point there should be no questions.

Yet some bureaucratic asshat has decided to screw with our stuff! And I had to sit on hold for an HOUR trying to get some information.

Which, you know, is exactly what I wanted to do after spending a completely pointless several hours at the hospital with my husband who is having thing after thing after thing go wrong for him this week, thus the same things are going wrong for me as well only in a different way.

*Heavy fucking sigh.

Oh, did I mention that my son's school bus came a couple minutes early Thursday morning so he missed it and I had to ask my sick friend to take him for me?

AND, I think my daughter now has the strep throat her brother has had.

This has been my week, folks.

I'm all sorts of pissy, but right in the middle of everything I got emotional about the wonderful people in my life. I posted on Facebook:

I am so very grateful for the amazing support system we have! It is so awesome to know that there are people I can call whenever I might need some help. Today Jessica took us to the hospital, my dad came from work and Carin picked us up. Tomorrow morning my dad will take Mark back for the surgery. Every single thing done for our family is seen and appreciated. <3

Nine things on the thankful list!

Of course all of this is making me feel so anxious and insecure about my upcoming birthday trip with my BFF. What if things continue on this track and I shouldn't leave? What if the bureaucratic crap means I can't afford it? What if, what if , what if....

I need a 10th thing to be grateful for....oh I know! K-cup packs for five bucks! Yup, that'll do.

I have hated this week, and I'm not sure next week will be any better since Mark still has to have that surgery. But I know my sense of humor and ability to be thankful for even the smallest things will get me through.

And that's what I really wanted to tell you.

The View From Here: Choose to Fly

The View for this first week of February comes from one of my best friends.

I have known Jessica for 10 years. She lives just 2 miles away from me.

She is actually responsible for me starting to blog.

It was her suggestion that led me to set this space up almost four years ago.

Jess has a blog too, the title of which I love: Anything But, and Then Some.

Her blogging has been inconsistent over the years, but it is my hope that

doing this post for me might help reboot her writing.

__________

Choose to Fly

Flying or falling?

Can any of us really tell? Can you say right now, for absolute certainty that this woman is flying. Sure she looks confident, at peace, and even in control, but change your perspective just a little…

And suddenly, she’s falling. She’s not even fighting, she’s completely given up, letting gravity pull her to whatever lies below.

Of course, it isn’t just perception that causes us to soar through the clouds or fall to the ground. It is life, the breaths we take, the roles we play, and the people we surround ourselves with. It is challenge and hardship, perfection and peace. It is love and loss and everything in between.

We are all either flying to the hope and love that lies ahead, burning through the darkness toward a destination that may not always be easy to get to, but worth the travel it takes to get there…

OR…

We are falling to the loss, the lies and the anger that we hold onto, caring not for where we are going, but only for where we have been and the darkness we found along the way.

Flying or falling is a choice we make, not just daily, but sometimes moment to moment. The ability to keep yourself off the ground and forward moving isn’t easy… EVER. It’s a constant struggle to choose to breathe it in and let it go, live with love, light and joy. It is the balance of grace and humility, self-recognition and awareness. It is learning from your mistakes, owning your choices, and making right what you have put wrong. It is allowing yourself to love and be loved. It is letting people past your walls and making the effort to knock on the walls of others. It is saying what you need and what you want.

I choose to fly. I have to. I fell once, twice… More times than I can count. I fell hard and fast sometimes, unable to even see the point I stopped flying. Other times I fell slowly, aware I was on my way down, but not all that willing to fight my way back up. Falling seemed less like a choice I was making and more like a position I had been put in. As if someone had pushed me or forced me. I fell with intention sometimes, thinking it was the only way people would see me. In the end, people just left me behind, shrugging their shoulders and shaking their heads as they soared higher and higher until they were gone and I was really left alone, like I thought I wanted… But it wasn’t what I wanted at all.

It felt impossible to fly again, but what was really impossible was to keep on falling. So I pushed my way up, and I keep doing it every day. I choose to soar through those clouds and leave that darkness behind me, not forgetting it, but no longer holding onto it. Constantly learning from my actions and my words, reaching out to others, saying how I feel or what I need and listening along the way. I earn what I want and give what others need.

I’m not perfect, certainly. I fall sometimes, still and always, but I’ve learned something. Falling doesn’t mean failure, it doesn’t mean giving up. It isn’t your fall that matters, it’s whether you get back up. It’s how hard you fight to fly. It’s asking for help, reaching out, and pushing past the feeling that those who are flying don’t care about those who are falling.  It’s not bringing others down with you, but allowing them to lift you up. Falling doesn’t have to be how you live, but a moment in your life. You can learn how to fall just like you learned how to fly.

Today I chose to fly. Tomorrow I will have that choice ahead of me again. My perception, my destination, and my life will never be easy, but I will always try to keep flying. I hope those I love make the same choices, but I can’t force them and I certainly can’t carry them. All I can do is love them, whether they are flying close or falling away.

__________

This is pretty great, right?

One big thing Jess and I have in common is that she sees life as a journey.

Like me, she knows that we are put on this planet to learn and grow and become.

Wanna get to know her better? You can connect with Jess at her:

Blog - Twitter - Instagram - Etsy (she is creative too)

**If you are interested in contributing YOUR View, please go HERE**

Instagram Hearts January

A couple of times last year I shared my most hearted (liked) Instagram pictures in a month.
This year I'd like to do it every month.

Because photos help tell our stories.

For January 2014 I have six 'grams to share:

1-5-14
Frosty morning

1-7-14
The red PF Flyers I gave my daughter for Christmas

1-9-14
Me, fresh out of the shower, for the #FMSphotoaday prompt of "Natural".
I also tagged the #365feministselfie project.
I was a little surprised by how many hearts this one got!

1-17-14
I Instagrammed this one of my newborn AJ because of the post
I wrote about missing my babies.

1-24-14
This was my BFF's super fab birthday cake!

1-25-14
This was my view as my airplane descended into Seattle
when I came home from California.
Who doesn't love a good sunset!?

Do you use Instagram? What makes you heart a picture?

Fun Matters Too

I have seen this image on Facebook a couple of times recently and it's kind of pissing me off:

Look, I get it. People get very excited and riled up about sports. They might argue with those who like teams they don't, and possibly take the disagreement really personally. They might spend big bucks to go see games and buy memorabilia. One might think all that money could do a world of good if put to use elsewhere.

But to say sports fans and/or athletes don't also care about "things that actually matter" isn't fair.

I assume the "things that actually matter" are issues like politics, crime, hunger, education, war, etc. Yes, those things matter. Of course they do.

However, so does FUN. Letting go of all that heavy shit matters too. Getting to indulge in a release of happy, excited chemicals matters. Spending time with friends doing something you mutually enjoy matters. Camaraderie and fellowship matter. Putting a little focus on a TEAM instead of me, me, me all the time.

Not taking everything so bloody seriously matters.

All the big issues of the world will still be there after the game. I see nothing wrong with taking a few hours out of our stressful lives to root for our favorite teams and just have FUN.

What do you think?

30 Day Fitness Challenge

Now that I've done

Crunches

Push-ups

Squats

and

Lunges

I think it would be appropriate to combine them ALL!

I made my own chart!

Yes, yes, I know February has only 28 days.

I don't care.

I didn't want to do nothing this month.

(I'm going to have to wear a bathing suit in March!)

Also, I just wanted to get it out there.

You can do it this month, or next, or whenever you're ready.

Which is why I didn't make it specific to any one month.

I will be doing it this month, so what will I do about days 29 & 30?

Just roll them over to March 1 & 2!
(It's not rocket science.)

You can do this as a way of getting started with exercising if you haven't been.
Or, you can add it to whatever you're already doing.
Like me. I also walk.
I like to walk first, then do these other exercises.

Won't you join me?
C'mon! It's not gonna be hard at all.