I Am More

Over the last several weeks I have written and published some pretty heavy and/or meaningful posts.

Each one serves to take whatever weight the subject matter was placing on me off, or at least lift it for a time.

But I have to admit, I'm so tired of the heaviness right about now. Tired of feeling so serious all the time.

Tired of my issues. My circumstances. My anxiety.

Tired.

That is not all there is to me, to being me. I am so much more than my husband's health problems, my anxieties or my bad eyes.

I am a mom of two great kids whom I love with everything in me. They are the lights of my life. They can be very annoying and difficult, but they make everything better. They give me reason and purpose, strength and resilience, laughter and hope. It is my greatest joy to be their mother.

I am a daughter who loves her parents very much. I hate the distance (two states) between my mom and I, but am so grateful to have my dad close. Close geographically and in my heart.

I am the kind of friend who feels like her girlfriends are the sisters she never had. I would do anything I could for them. Sometimes it bothers me and hurts my heart so much that I am limited in what I can and can't do for others.

I am a wife with a fantastic husband! Our marriage is made up of so much more than our struggles. We will be married 15 years this July and I am very proud of that. So grateful that we will be able to celebrate that day, that milestone. He makes me crazy some days, but to say I am "thankful" Mark is still on this earth with me is a gross understatement.

I am so much more than my fears and anxieties. I am able to see the beauty around me, find joy in the littlest of things. I feel with my whole heart, even for total strangers I hear about on TV or read about on a blog. I have hobbies, watch TV, see movies, listen to music. I covet comfort.

I am proud of myself for doing the work I need to do on myself. So I can be the best version of me possible.

But it's hard work and I know I will need to write about it more. Even if I think I don't want to. Which is how I feel right now.

I just don't want to be seen as someone who is constantly struggling, always heavy and burdened. Because that's only part of my truth, not my WHOLE truth.

I am becoming more.

Dear inner Child

source

Um. Hi.

It is apparently time we get to know each other a little bit considering I didn't even see you there all this time.

Except, I don't really want to get to know you. Because all you're actually doing right now is pissing me off.

You know, I started therapy because I was worried about the impact of PTSD on me after my husband's two near-death experiences, and the weight of the fear of losing him sitting on my shoulders. That, and my kids. My ACTUAL children. Ahem. I know I need to be at my very best for THEM.

But you? Cropping up and muddying the waters? Is not what I was expecting.

You see, I thought I was actually a pretty well-adjusted person. Didn't think I had much angst or underlying mommy, daddy or childhood issues I had never worked through. Didn't recognize that I have neuroses and hang-ups, that what I thought was other people being mean to me is really my own crap reacting to any given situation (not that people are never jerks, but that's not the point here, stop distracting me!). My parents never showed me a lack of love growing up. They weren't abusive in any way. I had never been abandoned.....

Or had I? See the water getting murky, my little friend?

Not acknowledging you, my pain-in-the-ass Inner Child, is just one more instance of me trying to fight my feelings. To push them away and claim they're no big deal. I'm stronger than my feelings, dammit!

Maybe I am stronger than the feelings you cause me, but apparently not unless I work through them. My therapist says that if I keep trying to push them down and ignore them, they'll just keep resurfacing.

See why I'm pissed at you? I mean, don't I have enough shit to deal with? I have a sick husband and two kids to raise here!

I just want to be a good wife, mom, daughter and friend. You coming around, wanting to play peek-a-boo with me, messes with those things. You make me feel things. Irrational things.

Oh wait. My therapist would stop me here and point out, "Feelings are not rational, Jennifer."

Fine, fine. Whatever.

Do you see what you're doing to me? See my head spinning around like the possessed little girl in the Exorcist? So glad I'm not the pea soup spewing type.

Look, here's the deal: I get that you're there, deep down inside me. I get that it will only be good for me in the long run to work through YOUR issues. But the extra emotions and anxiety you're making me feel, and the way I seem to have no clue how to be with other people right now? Really not appreciating that.

It's making me feel so awkward and like I need to tattoo an apology onto my forehead.

Warning: I am carrying a small bag of crazy right now, but please don't be afraid, I won't spill it on you. At least, I'll try not to.

Sigh. So, yeah, I'll do this. But I don't have to like it. All I can say is, if you're going to mess with my life, I better end up with a heap of new pearls of wisdom to boast about!

(Yes, I realize you've probably always been messing with my life in one way or another. Shut up. Know it all.)

Neurotically yours,
~ JAH

Let Me Count the Ways

Over two years ago I wrote a post about my love for my husband in which I quoted Elizabeth Barrett Browning's Sonnet #43. To this day it remains one of the best things I've ever written.

In it I explain how I love him, why we're soul mates and how our love has grown over the years. But why do I think he's great? What are my favorite things about him?

Let me count the ways....

The Awesomeness of Mark

1. He makes me laugh. A lot.

2. He loves me.

3. He's trustworthy.

4. He's a great dad. He loves spending time with the kids, and can't get over how beautiful they are.

5. He can cook! Really well. If he had the energy for it, he would have loved to be a chef. He started a culinary program once, but quickly realized he just didn't have the stamina for it.

6. He is faithful to those he cares about.

7. One of his missions in life is to make sure I am never without the things that make me happy.

8. He strives to see the good in everything.

9. He has been my greatest teacher. From cooking to how to be more outgoing to common courtesy to what the gene for dwarfism is called. The man knows stuff. Our son thinks he knows everything. Don't even get me started on all he teaches us through his struggles.

10. He's a fighter.

11. He made a Xbox avatar that looks almost exactly like him, socks with sandals and all.

I married a good guy, that's for sure.

___
Linked with Tuesday Ten on 4/21/2015.

This Is My Path

Throughout your life you make choices and decisions that set you upon some path. Perhaps they are simple and straight, or complicated and winding. They all have ups and downs.

When I made the decision to marry Mark and build a life with him I knew it could get complicated. Inasmuch as you "know" these things before they happen. You can intellectually know something without ever really being prepared for it.

In fact, I believe it is near impossible to truly prepare for something. But don't we all think we can? We plan every detail of our wedding, only to have some unforeseen snaffoo occur. We concoct detailed birth plans when expecting our babies, but labor rarely goes how we think it will. You can make yourself to-do lists all day long, and still forget something.

You can have a husband with multiple health problems and think it only logical that you will outlive him, worry, fret and be filled with anxiety over it till your head is spinning....even mentally plan and prepare for when that day comes, and it will probably still blindside you.

I learned this particular lesson, and really took it to heart, when my friend passed away in 2007. Everyone knew her cancer had taken over and she was dying. Yet when I finally got the call, I couldn't believe it. These things just cannot be comprehended in an instant. That is why there is grief.

I am on a similar path as my friend's husband. Longer and more drawn out, but similar.

And now, I really need to get something off my chest.

How I handle my life, whether now or later? It's all mine. It's for me to figure out, for me to navigate.

It doesn't need to be anyone else's concern how I choose to handle the possibility of becoming a widow and single parent. There should be no judgments.

There is nothing my friends or family -- or any of you -- can do about Mark's health problems or what might happen. But what happens after is something people think they can help me with. They will still be here, know I will need some help and want me to feel empowered now rather than wait until it happens to try and figure whatever out.

But all that really is, is trying to control the situation. A circumstance that no one, not even me (or Mark), has any control over. Further, focusing on the end now robs me of today. I've said it before, I am trying to balance present reality with future possibility.

Quite honestly, the notion that someone else thinks they know better than I how to handle my life kind of offends me. It offends me that I may not be being given credit for probably thinking about the whole picture. Given credit for being a grown woman who has had many years of practice at taking care of things and feels she can continue to do it, on her own, when she has to.

This is MY path to walk. And I feel that those who have no idea what it's like to walk it, to be worried day in and day out that their spouse will die, can even remotely understand. Until your spouse is sick and you're faced with the idea of losing them, and your children losing their other parent, you can't know. You simply cannot know this struggle unless it happens to you.

I do not want to be told how I should walk my path. I do not want to be judged for how I walk it. Unless I ask for help or advice, I want it to be assumed that the things that are on your mind are most likely on my mind as well.

One thing I don't think anyone should be able to accuse me of, is burying my head in the sand.

I deserve to be respected for how I bear my burdens. I respect others in how they bear theirs. I would never presume to think I know what's best for someone (other than my children). I will not voice my opinion on another's personal matters unless they ask it of me.

I don't mind being asked, "Hey have you thought about...?" But to TELL me how you think I should handle something when I didn't ask for your opinion....it's stepping over a line. And it doesn't feel good.

Companionship and compassion feel good. Hugs and smiles, and just love feel good.

I'm walking my life path the best I can. I may stumble. I may stop and smell the roses. I may sit awhile. I will keep walking it. Or running or skipping! The point is, it's mine to travel.


Enthusiastically linking up with Pour Your Heart Out!

When Procrastination is a Good Thing

I am. I admit it.

BUT. It's not totally a bad thing. I may regularly channel Scarlett O'Hara, but I do eventually get everything I need to done.

Actually, I prefer to think of it as PRIORITIZING. Some things are more important than others. Often, a thing's importance changes a few times. Maybe even in the same day. Stuff happens!

Now, I don't want to brag, but when I was in school I could put off, say, writing a paper, until the last minute, crank it out, and get an A. I work well under pressure.

So there.

In order to prove my point I give you a list of reasons procrastination isn't always a bad thing....

1. Failing to plan anything for dinner. Yes, your family will be hungry, but hey, maybe you'll get to go out! Either that or you'll be stuck with cereal for dinner. Oh no, not that!

2. Sales, because the prices often go down even more when time is running out.

3. Getting out of bed. Really, you only feel better the longer you stay.

4. Apparently always publishing blog posts at the same time isn't a great thing. We bloggers should put posting off by a few hours once in awhile.

5. Getting up for more coffee. I mean, because "they" seem to think drinking too much coffee isn't good for you. But, whatever.

6. Not opening that "grading notification" email from your daughter's school. Ignorance is bliss.

7. When you don't respond right away to something that has the potential for conflict. Knee-jerk reactions are rarely good. Best to think on it a bit.

8. Letting the DVR record your shows and watching later. Hello, no commercials!

9. Cleaning your house the day before guests arrive. Because children. And husbands. It's really pointless to do it any sooner.

10. Waiting to see new movies until others have and can tell you if they're worth it or not. Let all those instant gratification types waste their money first!

So you see, procrastination has an upside. People should really stop poo-pooing it.

Because I'll totally get it done. Just might not be today.

Monday Listicles.

Strength and Fragility

On most things I am a middle of the road kind of gal. I see shades of grey where others see only black and white. I am uncomfortable with extremes.

Yet there is something I have noticed about myself. Something that was, and still is, somewhat confusing and distressing to me.

How can I have the strength it takes to walk the path I am with my husband and his poor health, and also feel so very fragile, insecure and vulnerable?

You know, I grew up in the talk show era, with Phil Donahue and Sally Jesse and Oprah. And now we have Dr. Phil. I bow at the altar of Oprah and her "live your best life" and "light bulb moment" mantras. I am not unaware of the idea of an inner child.

For some reason, though, I didn't really think I had one of my own. I naively thought events from my childhood hadn't been that big of a deal, hadn't effected the adult I've grown into.

But there are these triggers....and a pattern....and when you sit down with someone trained to see them and how they pertain to the bigger picture, you can see them too.

My therapist can so easily point it all out, like I should have known all along where most of my insecurities have come from. And when I think I'm pretty sure I know where they're coming from now? My fear of ending up totally alone? He says no, not really.

Yes to FEAR, but it's my wounded inner child that feels the brunt of it all. This is why I can have both the strength I need for Mark, but still feel insecure and vulnerable in other areas of my life. There is a separation between your adult ego and your child ego.

Yeah yeah, I'm psychoanalyzing quite a bit here. I find it fascinating. Especially about myself! That I still have so much to learn about myself at my age is amazing to me.

The most surprising thing I've learned this week is that I, Miss-Open-Book-Wears-Her-Heart-On-Her-Sleeve-Blog-It-Out-for-the-Whole-World-To-See-Give-the-Benefit-of-the-Doubt, have some trust issues.

I can rationalize till the cows come home that there's nothing to worry about. But feelings are not rational. They are your feelings and you will have them whether you want to or not.

The problem lies in when your feelings lead to irrational THOUGHTS. This is a huge issue for me. I have the ability to bury myself in irrational thoughts. Everything from having a sudden flash of one of my children being gravely injured, to being told Mark is dead, to losing my friends. Those thoughts feel like a sucker punch to the gut. I can literally lose my breath for a moment and immediately feel tears stinging my eyes.

But none of those things happened. I believe we call this anxiety, kids.

So yeah, I'm apparently a huge mess of a person. But on the other hand I'm not. How do these things work together to complete the picture of me? I haven't figured that out yet.

I'm working on it.....

Proud

Source: fatmumslim.com.au via just JENNIFER on Pinterest

I try not to be too prideful. In the deadly sin sense. I try very hard (even if not always successful) not to let my pride get in the way of maintaining healthy relationships.

There are many things I am not proud of. Like how much I like sweets and move theater popcorn, or my insecurities. But I am proud of some things.

10 Things I Am Proud Of

1. How well I took care of myself while pregnant

2. Breastfeeding - no judgments here; just saying I did it and I'm proud of it because it really does take some personal sacrifice.

3. My marriage - there are few things I know fur sure in life, but that Mark and I are solid and forever is one thing I do know.

4. Being affectionate - I'm a hugger, cuddler and an I love you sayer. Those things are hard for some people.

5. Learning as I go - there are life lessons everywhere if you just stop and take notice.

6. Blogging - my third baby. It has opened up a whole new world for me. Trying to be proud enough to not feel funny about telling people I'm a blogger.

7. How I'm taking care of myself now - exercise and seeing a counselor and an eye doctor are HUGE.

8. Learning to make things with yarn.

9. My gut instincts - which seems to be something you can learn. Or learn to listen to.

10. Finishing a novel for the first time in a year and half!


Linked with Monday Listicles.

This Day Means Nothing

It doesn't matter that a year ago today my husband was admitted to the hospital for observation due to possible arrhythmia.

It doesn't matter that in the middle of the night, about 3:30 AM, I was awakened by my cell phone ringing. It means nothing that this wasn't the first time I'd gotten a phone call of this nature.

It doesn't matter that the person who jarred me awake was a doctor at the hospital where Mark was only spending the night for observation.

What the doctor told me doesn't matter. That Mark had experienced arrhythmia and that it had stopped his heart.

It's not important that the doctor went on to tell me they had shocked and rescusitated him, then moved him to the ICU.

It doesn't matter that less than an hour later a nurse called me back and told me I may want to get to the hospital as soon as I can because he was real sick and they were worried.

It was no big deal when I called my friend and dad over to help me with my kids and transportation, or when I called Mark's parents to tell them what was happening.

It's inconsequential that what transpired over the next week sent our loved ones, Mark and myself into a tailspin of stress, worry, fear and grief.

The changes that have come as a result of these events don't matter either.

None of this means anything nor matters because I don't want it to. Because I don't want it to sit on our shoulders, pressing down, threatening to suffocate us with continuing stress, worry, fear and grief.

It all mattered at the time. But my husband made it through that trauma. He survived it. He is still with us.

That is what matters now.

Hope, love, endurance and strength are what matter.

For better or worse, in sickness and in health are what matter.

Always.


Linked with the Yeah Write Weekend Moonshine Grid.