I have had a lot on my mind lately....and I will proceed to vomit some of it out for you! Night before last my mind was racing and I didn't fall asleep until around 1:30.
I've been thinking a lot about how I've changed in the past 7 months. I've been/felt different since Mark's surgery. I feel like I've aged. I feel wiser and more mature. On most levels, anyway. I could still throw a serious tantrum if I had the opportunity! Mostly this feels good, but partially it feels BLAH.
I've realized that nobody can actually understand what it feels like to be me and that when I try to talk about the really deep stuff....I fear it scares people. Even my closest friends. This makes me feel like maybe I shouldn't try to talk about it, mostly because I don't want to be a "Debbie downer" or sound like I should be committed. On the other hand, I'm not always down - pretty happy most of the time - so when I am bummed, isn't that allowed? Can people handle it? Will I actually lose friends if I need to cry? I have before. I mean, no one is required to stick by me. Everyone has a choice. Am I worth all the drama and burden that comes with me? My effing ever-present insecurities...
You know how they say "don't sweat the small stuff"? I think I finally get that. I mean, as long as there isn't anything out of the ordinary wrong with Mark, it's all small stuff.
My son is at the age where he seems like a big boy who goes off in the neighborhood to play and gets on the bus and goes to school.....but still needs his Mommy a lot! I know this push and pull dynamic will remain for several more years. But I recently needed to remind myself that he is still a little boy and I am his Mommy and that is a priority. I need not get ahead of myself thinking he's more independent than he actually is!
Mark's dialysis schedule has to change for awhile and it means that he can no longer drive Cami to school early on Tuesday mornings for choir. This is one of those things that gets me about being parents with disabilities, that sometimes it means our kids miss out on things they want to do because if Daddy can't drive them they can't go. Normally, Mommy would just do it, but I can't. I actually told Cami I'm sorry that I can't do it. She said it's OK, bless her sweet little heart! I try to keep these things in perspective though. I mean, I didn't get to do many of the things my kids get to and I had 2 able-bodied parents. I feel pretty confident that in the long run my kids aren't going to hold these inconveniences against me. I did, however, point out to Mark that when they're teenagers I'm sure they will scream something at us about it at some time or another. But when that happens, I doubt I'll feel very sorry!
The subject line of this post is apparently from a song by Eminem and Rihanna. I read it in a post by Edenland who said:
"Eminem is a poet. You know that song with Rihanna? The opening line slays me every time:
I can't tell you what it really is, I can only tell you what it feels like.
Is that not true of every last thing? We can't say what things really are - we can only say what they feel like. PROFUNDITY."
Edenland is another blog I recently began following. She is an Australian mom and wife who has been through some stuff in her life, including her husband's cancer and post-pardum depression, and just might be quite a bit crazier than me! I've begun to sincerely appreciate her unique and quirky take on life, and I couldn't help but be "slayed" by those lyrics as well. She's absolutely right, that is pretty damn profound! Too bad I don't much like rap. I do like Rihanna though...
Spring is sslloooowwwlllyyy starting to make its appearance and that is a very good thing!