City of Angels

I watched the movie City of Angles last night.  It has Nicolas Cage and Meg Ryan and is about an angel who decides to "fall" and become human because he is in love.  I've seen this movie before and it made me cry my eyes out because the love story ends tragically.  In fact, the first time I saw it I thought, what the hell was that?  Why would you make such an awful movie?  But that reaction was to the love story aspect, not the point the movie was trying to make as a whole.  As it turns out, I now love this movie.

One reason I love it is because it portrays angels pretty much how I imagine them to be.  They are all around us, watching and waiting for when they're assistance is needed.  And when it is, they are simply there, close to you, perhaps put a hand on you or whisper in your ear.  And then they are there for the dying, to escort them to the light.

The other reason I now see this movie in a different light is because of its "lesson".  That is, that the human existence is wonderful and beautiful and to be cherished.  That everything we see, taste, feel, hear and smell is amazing and should be appreciated.  And yes, that even the hardships and hurts we experience have value.  So when I watched City of Angels last night, I didn't cry at the tragic part.  I got choked up over the pain experienced, but felt at peace knowing there was a bigger picture.

Of course like I always do with deep, meaningful movies (or shows or books), I tried to see how I could apply what I just learned to my own life.  Watching this beautiful movie helped me with the things I personally struggle with.  Specifically, my husband Mark's chronic illness(es).

I have been in pain over what Mark has had to go through, over almost losing him more than once.  That pain is valid and I own it.  BUT, my life is rich and full and beautiful.  I am honored to be a human being, to love Mark and be loved by him, to be Cami and AJ's mom, to be my mom and dad's daughter, to be a best friend...to be doing this thing called LIFE.  Sometimes it hurts and sometimes we don't understand.  But all we can do, all we are expected to do, is the best we can with what we've been given and to LIVE.

These are things I already knew, but it's good to be reminded.  This is not to say that we have to just accept and appreciate everything that's thrown at us automatically.  Life is still a process, a journey.  As humans we have feelings and emotions and must recognize, decipher and work through them in order to grow and learn.  As long as we can get back to the basic fact that life is good and valuable, we'll be alright.  The love and support of others, and perhaps a really good movie that lends some perspective, go a long way.  Throw some laughter in the mix, and you've got the recipe for a full and happy life.  Oh, and TIME.  Time heals all things.

"The magnitude of life is overwhelming. Angels are here to help us take it peace by peace."

~ Levende Waters

Updated 6/25/13 to be shared with Going Green: recycling missed posts.

How Do I Love Thee?

Update 3/27/12: I love this post so much because I was able to articulate exactly how I feel about my husband. I wrote this in the aftermath of Mark's heart bypass surgery. That was a year and a half ago. Just this month, I almost lost Mark again. Everything below still holds true....except we keep getting closer to losing him. 

...Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of being and ideal grace.
I love thee to the level of every day's
Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.
I love thee freely, as men strive for right.
I love thee purely, as they turn from praise.
I love thee with the passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints. I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life; and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.
~ Elizabeth Barrett Browning (Sonnet 43)

The love I feel for my husband amazes me.  That sounds like an odd thing to say because I wouldn't have married him if I didn't love him.  But I absolutely did not love him then as I do now.  Ours is a love that has grown and matured and deepened over the years.  On your wedding day you think you love your spouse-to-be madly, passionately, above any other, and you will til the day you die!  But you really have no idea what that means as you're standing there saying vows, professing your undying devotion to this person.  I believe that if you marry the person you were meant to, the true "depth and breadth and height" of the love between you unfolds over time, through your shared experiences as you make your way through life together.

Everything I've ever read about who Mark and I are astrologically says NO!  Scorpio + Aries = Bad. The Chinese zodiac tells us Monkey + Tiger = Bad.  I guess this is because we can both be hot-headed and stubborn so we are prone to volatility.  While we indeed have had pretty heated arguments, we always come back to our mutual love and respect for each other.  We both believe that if you don't fight, you don't care.  We are also both very loyal and steadfast.  And I think our stubbornness is a GOOD thing in our marriage because we aren't about to let what we've built together go without a fight!

Regardless of what "they" say, Mark is a mate to my soul, the "great love of my life".  I know this like I know my name.  We are connected, as if there is a string running between our two bellies.  The string is short when we are together and lengthens when we are apart.  I know I was meant to love him, and he to love me.  We were meant to go through life together, to take care of each other.  We have endured and overcome and forged ahead.  There is nothing spectacular about us, nothing overly special or "shiny".  What we have is just real and true and strong.  We enjoy making each other happy.

And then we have these two gorgeous children!  Camryn is my dream come true and AJ is my hope for the future.  Literally.  Having Cami was the realization of my Dream to be a mother, and having AJ meant I had overcome my fears and instead grabbed onto Hope.  I am so very proud of the little family we have made!
 
Is it any wonder why recent events have been so traumatizing?  We have been through A LOT in the last 16 years, lots of ups and downs, lots of dealing with Mark's health problems.  But none of it compares to coming so close to losing Mark as we did when his heart stopped 3 times during the "night from hell".  There has literally not been anything scarier than that.  Nothing scarier than learning there was an infection in his blood surrounding his heart.
 
I had no control over any of this.  I had to put my trust in the medical professionals trained to make him well....and pray my little heart out.  The one thing I had going for me is that I knew he didn't want to leave us.  I knew he wanted to stay here, stay with us.  He wasn't ready to go and I knew he would fight.  Because that's what Mark does.  He is the definition of a fighter.  But he is not invincible and matters of life and death are not ultimately under our control.  And anyway, just how much can one body take??
 
So I was still scared.  And I was torn.  Torn between staying vigil at the hospital all night long, and being with, and there for, our children.  I mean, there is very little that can't be made better by a hug from a child!  Since having children one thing I have been determined to do is let all this scary medical stuff effect them as little as possible, to disrupt their sweet little lives as little as possible.  That's not to say that I believe in sheltering them, because I don't.  But they are just kids after all, and shouldn't be burdened if we can help it.
 
Ever since my friend Emily died, leaving her husband and 2 children, I have been all the more aware that that DOES happen.  You CAN lose your spouse before you're old.  You can be left a widow or widower while you're still young.  I have been very worried about that happening to me.  I swear I do try not to dwell on that possibility in my day-to-day life!  But then it was right there, in my face.  And now it is haunting me.
 
I think I need to stop here for now.  I feel like I'm gonna start rambling.  Bottom line is, I still love and need my husband very much, and our children do to, and am not ready to lose him anytime soon.  So there.

The First Step

...is to admit you have a problem.  I have a problem with the fact that I was recently faced with one of my worst fears: losing the love of my life and father of my children.

It has been 6 weeks since my husband Mark had double bypass surgery on his heart.  When his surgeon cut him open he discovered a terrible infection.  He was a lot sicker than anyone had anticipated.  That night his heart stopped 3 times.  We almost lost him.

I am still struggling with this.  I'm afraid to SPEAK it for fear that I will just melt into uncontrollable sobs and not be able to actually get the words out.  So I've decided that I need to blog it out, have my nearest and dearest read it so that we're all on the same page, and then maybe have some conversations.

This is my first post about this, my first step.  It will be interesting to try to get everything swimming around in my head and my heart out in some succinct manner.  I will do my best.

All I know is I don't want to dwell in the night of September 21, 2010 forever.  I need to work through this and let it go.